finding truth

I have a dear friend who asks me the right questions, the provoking questions, the questions that challenge me to seek truth, and not just sit contently in the confusion of my emotions. The other day I was, once again, overwhelmed with everything new and different around me. I wanted security, I wanted friends here with me, I wanted normalcy- now. I began to feel that God was being unfair. He knows I dislike change and that it's super hard for me, and yet, he gives it to me anyway. I felt unloved and far from cherished. I felt abandoned, here to figure it out on my own. When I mentioned these feelings to my friend, his response was simply "What did He (God) say to you about it?"

What? Ask God what His response to my feelings, my accusations was? Unthinkable, yet profoundly the correct response I should have taken in the first place.

So I did. I told God honestly how I felt, expressed the hurt, the unrealistic accusations, and the truth that was my heart. And then I asked Him what He thought about it all... The response was beautiful, nothing necessarily profound or extravagant, but meaningful to me. I felt God revealing to me that this season is important, that it will grow me in ways that are crucial for the seasons that come later, for the places I will go, the things I take part in, I need this season. The story of Joseph from the Old Testament came to mind. Joseph's story has always been near and dear to my heart, and I thought it was special that Jesus brought it to my mind. Throughout his life, Joseph went through many transitions, many of which he did not choose, many were unfair and hard. But God used them, and through them, God molded Joseph's character into the man that would influence nations and save lives. God had big plans for Joseph, but a process was needed to get him to where he needed to be.

I have always respected Joseph's devotion to the Lord through his personal hard times. As far as I know, he lived well along the journey. He had no idea that amazing plans were ahead of him, but he trusted God, remained faithful, and honored Him in each situation he was placed in. Joseph was able to look back through all the seasons of his life, from his childhood dreams, to undeserved favor in job situations, promotions, and places of honor, and in each, he could see God's faithfulness and provision. He had hope in the Lord's good plan.

I want to be like this. I want to live fully, live well, and live in a way that's honoring to my God in each season.

Just this morning I was falling back into the abyss of my fear- how will I find parking for classes, will the classes be overwhelming, will I live in bitterness and never make friends, how will I find a job that fits my schedule, is it possible to find a church that I can connect with and find the community I long for... in my heart the lies resound- no. you will fail. you will never enjoy your life here like you enjoyed the seasons before this. just sit in self pity, it's a comfortable, safe place to be. the unknown is unsafe, you don't want to go there, you don't want to risk it. 


Lies. All of them. And so I decided I needed to stop listening to the lies and begin listening to the truth. The truth is that I've been here before, I have pursued through all these fears before, and I know what's real. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, just as Joseph could. I know how God has provided before, in abundant blessings I never could have imagined. I see how the seasons have grown, changed, and taught me, and I see glimpses of God's purpose for my life along the way. The journey is not in vain. The struggle is not too much.

As I began to ask God to calm my heart, the words from a recent blog post I read came to mind. It talked about the heart of the Father and how He is "always at peace, always joyful, always loving, always living life to the fullest. God is the "I AM." He is the ever resting one..."-Karsten. These words prompted my heart to continue declaring the truth of God's power and control, His sovereignty and peace. "Nothing is too big, overwhelming, or scary for You. This situation in my life isn't too much for you. Your heart is at rest. You take joy in where I'm at and all that's in store. You have it all in Your hands. I have no idea what's to come, but You do and it doesn't bother you in the slightest because You know I need this season, that it's important, that it's good. You know I will come through it more refined and more beautiful. You're excited, not daunted. Thank you that your strength is enough. That you give hope to the helpless and strength to the weary. Thank you that your burden is light and that as I give you my fears and my tears, I am able to receive your peace, your grace, your comfort and wonderful love. Thank you for Your hope." 


I've been learning that the best way to grow in relationships is to engage in honest and open communication. As I look at my own feelings and don't just let the stresses, the lies, and the emotions overwhelm and consume me, but openly express them to my Father, I get the answers, the comfort, and the love that I'm longing for. He's here, He cares, and I need to remember to stop being to stubbornly self absorbed, and freely cling to His loving embrace.