Growing in Joy

Did you know I used to really struggle with "joy?"

it's true. I never felt like I could just be happy, be excited about a beautiful day, be content to be alive and experience Jesus in whatever the day brought my way. Even on days when I wanted to be happy, I never felt like I could. I felt like my attitude, once determined by my morning grumpiness, was doomed for the rest of the day- I couldn't change.

Throughout my walk with Jesus I struggled with this as well- I would read parts of the Bible that talked about joy, and how experiencing Jesus gives us joy. I felt so helpless, that I couldn't truly be a Christian because I couldn't experience true joy. Sure, I got excited, but it was primarily centered around how many friends I got to spend time with in a day- they were my happiness meter.

I was thinking back over this yesterday evening as I talked with a friend, and I realized how very far God has brought me. I have never experienced such joy and fullness in my heart as I do now. Jesus has grown in me a new attitude for my family- a love, kindness, and grace I never had before. Even in the ordinary days I know I can find my Jesus there.

During my first year of college, as I struggled with my longing for joy, my roommate challenged me to journal and write at least one thing that I was thankful for everyday. It was exciting to see the change this formed in me. Even the little things could be blessings...

I also read a book during this time called The Life You Always Wanted by John Ortberg. Chapter 4, called "Dee-Dah-Day," impacted my heart in a powerful way. He talks about practicing the discipline of doing something everyday which brings life to your heart.

In my life this would look like: taking a walk, sitting in the sun, having a cup of tea, wearing an outfit I feel especially pretty in, taking time to do my hair, having a sweet treat (especially a home made chocolate chip or macadamia nut cookie), talking with a good friend, journaling at a favorite coffee shop, buying a bunch of pretty flowers... you get the idea...

I've learned that taking time to enjoy the things that bring life to my spirit, allow me to see Jesus in the things that I love. Each one of them is a precious gift from Him- we enjoy them together.

My joy grew drastically in the summer of 2008. Close friends of mine in Kenya gave me the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and I was reading it on my way back from Thailand, sitting in the Qatar airport. Suddenly, the love of God made sense, the cross made sense, Jesus made sense. I finally got it- God loves me, and Jesus was the ultimate way that He could show me that love, and now I get to enjoy deep relationship with God because of Jesus' sacrifice. It was such a great morning. I was alone in a sea of Arab men and women who couldn't understand what I was experiencing, and yet finding it extremely hard to contain my emotions at that moment. All I wanted to do was dance and sing and tell them all about this amazing revelation I just had.

The more I learn about the deep love God has for me and His beautiful character, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more joy I find. Even when my car breaks down, even when another move is on the horizon, even when I'm not certain about what's next, I know my Jesus has me. I know He is faithful, I know He is good, I know He is loving. My heart is so blessed, and yet I know that the more our relationship grows, it will only get better from here.

beauty from ashes

The other evening I decided to "stay in" instead of going to a prayer time at school, and I'm so glad I did. I randomly ran into a friend I knew from Bethany University and got to talk with him about where he is now and how the adjustment has been for him. He expressed to me how he was still grieving over what he had lost. The joy and safety and spiritual guidance he had felt at Bethany had become a void within him.

My heart hurt for his loss. I never felt very attached to Bethany, but in my life I have felt these same feelings. I have hurt the way I saw him hurting. I have lost a "home," friendships, security, and purpose of a place I loved dearly. I know what it is to grieve over a loss such as this.

As he expressed his hurts, my heart welled with words to share with him, they are words I have learned and applied to myself over the years. They are truths God has taught me through all the changes I have faced. What a blessing to know that my story is not in vain, that God can and is using it to encourage and strengthen others. What a joy to know that the pain I once felt, which has been turned to joy and blessing, can be of use to others.

I left the conversation joyful and encouraged. I knew exactly why I was supposed to "stay in" that night. I knew that God used me through my story to love on one of His children. What a blessing to partner with my Father in such a beautiful way.

God's Faithfulness and Blessings

   Almost 2 months ago I learned that the university I had been attending (Bethany University) decided it must close its doors for good. I literally laughed out loud when I found out (in a sarcastic kind of way) and told God this was "very funny." The following weeks and even months have consisted of the myriad of emotions that accompany filling out applications and beginning this transition process.

   Since arriving in San Jose, about two and a half years ago, I knew that I would not be there permanently. I was planning to leave next year, on my time... However, as I have come to see over and over again throughout my life, God has other plans.

   It has been so encouraging to see God's hand at work in this crazy situation, and within the details of my move to William Jessup University, for so many reasons:

• The whole situation is SO ridiculous, and completely not normal, that I am convinced God has bigger and better plans for me at Jessup than I ever could have created on my own.

• God has changed my heart about moving, reajusting, and making new friends- in the past, my heart has often been bitter and closed off to new situations. Yet, I'm encouraged to remember that God has given me such a blessing of friends and community in San Jose; I know He will provide again.

• Most transfers are required to complete at least a year of classes at their final university before being allowed to graduate. Jessup is letting me graduate in one semester, as I had originally planned at Bethany (this Dec '11). They have helped me obtain the classes I need in order to finish my degree- though I know it has created hardships for their faculty. 

• Surprise! This next semester I will be living in a hotel- What?! I'm living in a suite with 3 other women (4 of us total), with free access to pool, hottub, gym, (free!) laundry, outdoor patio, indoor lounge , complementary breakfasts, and 3 dinners a week- I don't know what to make of all these amazingly fun blessings that I had no idea would be waiting for me!  

• Jessup has decided to give me a grant for no other reason than kindness. Their generosity is a huge blessing.  

• Earlier in the summer, I was overcome by the unrealistic fear of being forgotten. I feared I hadn't made a difference and that my move would simply evaporate any memory anyone had of me during these past two and a half years in San Jose. Yet, since that time, I have been overwhelmed with love. Friends have told stories of our times together, encouraged my heart in the role I have played in our community, expressed their excitement for the changes ahead, and most of all, have prayed for me. I can't tell you how much this has meant to me. My heart is more than encouraged- I am deeply and fully blessed. 

stars

   My first memory of stars took place in Washington on one surprisingly non-rainy evening. Our family was standing in the driveway next to our partially remodeled home when my dad pointed out the Big Dipper to my sister and I. I was amazed that not only were stars so tiny and shiny, but they could be recognized in specific shapes or, in big people terms: constellations. That long ago evening began a love I still hold for the night sky and the little stars that fill its expanse.

 
   As I was walking home from church the other evening I was watching the stars and thinking about their consistency in my life. They are always there, they never change, and I know I can always find them... Gazing at the stars that night brought sparks of precious memories back to mind. 

 
   (I know my heart is already sentimental, but I feel like this blogging business is magnifying the emotion behind whatever I write. Am I really such a sap? I guess I am... maybe blogging helps me feel the safety to portray emotion where I usually only brush the surface in normal conversation... which I guess is alright, it's my blog right?)

 
   Anyway! Since I'm on the sentimental star memory avenue, I'll indulge myself by writing out some favorites...

 
   One night a bunch of years ago a group of us were sightseeing at various locations around Yemen. That night's destination was a sandy beach on the Indian Ocean. Us kids were sitting in the back of a large, tan Land Cruiser enjoying various games of "concentration," word memory songs, and stories from It's a Jungle Out There. The dirt road was bumpy and night had fallen dark around as we drove towards the, mainly deserted, beach ahead. The plan for our stay there was to enjoy swimming in the crystal blue water during the day, and spy on the giant sea turtles laying their eggs at night. As the cars rumbled towards the beach, we slid open the side windows of the vehicle and crawled out to sit on the window frames while clutching the roof-rack. Leaning backwards and tilting your head up towards the heavens gave the most breath taking view of the starry night. The sky was void of clouds and the stars seemed to literally fill the entire expanse. The Milky Way ran like a river through the canopy of twinkling lights. There were so many stars so close together, and so bright, that I had trouble finding any constellations I knew. Hanging out that car window I felt the joy of the experience fill me- the sky seemed so vast, so beautiful, so detailed, and I had the privilege of witnessing it.

   During my high school years in Kenya many nights were filled with star gazing. Friends bundled in sweatshirts and masi blankets would venture to the grassy field and lay close together to keep from shivering in the cold as we watched the stars. Laughter, singing (usually Disney songs or the latest song from the Sunday evening worship night), and random conversations emerged from such evenings. Whenever a shooting star was spotted a shout and pointed fingers rose towards the sky to mark the event. We'd lay there without a care in the world- homework would be done later, no one was in a hurry to go anywhere- a bell would summon us back to our dorms when it got late enough... no one cared for the future, or worried about life- we were at peace, happy to enjoy the moment, happy to enjoy our friends. These nights were blessed. These nights were also normal- I never would have thought that my evenings of sunsets and nights of stars would become lost in my past. They were such a healthy part of relaxing and enjoying God's creation. They were and are a continual reminder of God's magnitude, His consistency day after day, and His love of detail.

   One day I would love to travel somewhere miles away from civilization, away from man-made lights and the noise of cars and electronics, to gaze at a star-filled sky. How marvelous to feel so small in the vast canopy of stars, yet so loved and treasured at the same time. I feel like such a trip would be a glorious and majestic God-magnifying experience.

Renewed Passion

      For the past several years I have been working towards the dream of one day becoming a high school English teacher. Despite the windy road I have taken educationally, the last couple hills seem to be unfolding in the hopefully not too distant future. Alhamdulillah (praise be to God)!


     This morning I began tutoring a young girl, soon to enter high school, in her reading. After praying the whole drive to her house that this would be a good experience and that she wouldn't hate the fact that I was there to "help" her, I was wonderfully surprised by her vibrant personality. During the morning's lesson she began to understand and even, do I dare say, "enjoy" the suggestions I gave her. Her amazement at the fact that she had just read a biography, which was out of her genre of enjoyment, and gone on to understand, remember, and even appreciate the content, brought a swell of joy to my heart.


     The "I get it" lightbulb has always brought passion and excitement to the thought of my teaching career, because, at that moment, learning transitions from a laborious "job" to an unexpectedly invigorating and gratifying process. At such a moment, a student becomes empowered because now they are able to do what they thought previously to be impossible, and a visible sense of accomplishment and pride in their work spreads throughout their demeanor. Every time I witness such an "enlightenment," I am filled with a renewed enthusiasm to finish this journey of education.

     Such moments cause me to remember why I can't wait to become a teacher. I remember why the studying, the multiple transfers, the pressing on through this seemingly never-ending educational avenue is worth it. My hope is to encourage students that they can enjoy learning, and be able to enter their next stage in life feeling equipped to meet challenges, think independently, and believe that their opinion is valued and valuable. 


     Though this dream might be too idealistic, and I probably will not always feel this passionate about teaching, or my ability to impact my students' lives for the better, I hope that maybe these thoughts can help remind me that my desire to teach is for the betterment of my students- academically, spiritually, emotionally, and so on, as they look towards their future.