I find myself in a weird stage right now. Over the years I've cultivated and nurtured so many dreams, big dreams, beautiful dreams, and they've fueled me and given me passion for my life.
Yet, over these past few weeks, maybe months, I've been realizing that I'm not sure I believe in my dreams any more, or even want them. This apathy for the passions I once had concerns me, because, for one, it has effected my mood and ability to cope with life, and two, I'm believing downright lies.
Some examples? I've been apathetic about school- I don't care. And I do care, I always cared before- grades have always been a huge deal for me, and I usually love school.. yet recently, it takes every ounce of effort to do my homework and even go to class. I cry way too easily. I feel lonely and discouraged with life almost every time I find myself alone... to say the least, it's a discouraging time..
However, I think I've figured out why I struggle desiring success for this semester. I think I'm afraid that I won't find fulfillment in or be passionate about my ever approaching "teaching dream." I'm afraid all this work and money and time and stress and overwhelming days will be for absolutely no good reason, and I'm sick and tired of trying.
I've never wanted to give up so badly.
Yet, as I sit and think about giving up, a tiny (sane) part of my heart reminds me that I know I will enjoy teaching (my past experiences have already shown me glimpses of this..), I will love my students, I will find fulfillment in and be passion about my job... I will.
but i'm afraid.
As I poured out my pain to a wise woman in my life, she encouraged me to stand. Just to stand. That sometimes as the waters of chaos rise and the winds of lies roar, you need to stand firm on the promises of Jesus and just praise Him. It's true. It's amazing how worshiping the Lord can change my aching, downcast heart to one of joy and trust.
A few days ago I was sitting at the park, crying out to Jesus. I expressed how tired I was of never knowing when I'd suddenly feel emotionally ridiculous and completely overwhelmed. I was trying to feel "normal" and have the right perspective of life, but it's not always that simple sometimes... In response to my outpoured heart, I felt like Jesus said to me "You're trying too hard. You always want to make everything perfect and do everything, and you can't, you can't do everything, you need to let go. Let me be the strong one. Let me show my strength in your feelings of weakness. You need to let go and let me hold you, hold the stuff, hold the time... will you let me hold you?" That last part has continued to repeat in my heart "Will you let me hold you?"
Being still in the arms of one who truly loves, who truly cares. Trusting in His wisdom and love for me, for my life. Finding rest in His goodness, which creates space for praise and worship, which leads to joy. Joy because He is love, and has a good plan. Believing that there is power on my side that is greater than my fears, or doubts, or confusion, or anger, or frustration, or any and all of it.
Praise the Lord that He is greater.
I don't fully "feel" amazing about my life all the time, but I'm standing. I'm not giving up, and I'm trying not letting the things around me overwhelm me. I find I must continually choose to trust the goodness, faithfulness, and love that surpasses my understanding to help me through these strange waters I find myself amidst.
