it's true. I never felt like I could just be happy, be excited about a beautiful day, be content to be alive and experience Jesus in whatever the day brought my way. Even on days when I wanted to be happy, I never felt like I could. I felt like my attitude, once determined by my morning grumpiness, was doomed for the rest of the day- I couldn't change.
Throughout my walk with Jesus I struggled with this as well- I would read parts of the Bible that talked about joy, and how experiencing Jesus gives us joy. I felt so helpless, that I couldn't truly be a Christian because I couldn't experience true joy. Sure, I got excited, but it was primarily centered around how many friends I got to spend time with in a day- they were my happiness meter.
I was thinking back over this yesterday evening as I talked with a friend, and I realized how very far God has brought me. I have never experienced such joy and fullness in my heart as I do now. Jesus has grown in me a new attitude for my family- a love, kindness, and grace I never had before. Even in the ordinary days I know I can find my Jesus there.
During my first year of college, as I struggled with my longing for joy, my roommate challenged me to journal and write at least one thing that I was thankful for everyday. It was exciting to see the change this formed in me. Even the little things could be blessings...
I also read a book during this time called The Life You Always Wanted by John Ortberg. Chapter 4, called "Dee-Dah-Day," impacted my heart in a powerful way. He talks about practicing the discipline of doing something everyday which brings life to your heart.
In my life this would look like: taking a walk, sitting in the sun, having a cup of tea, wearing an outfit I feel especially pretty in, taking time to do my hair, having a sweet treat (especially a home made chocolate chip or macadamia nut cookie), talking with a good friend, journaling at a favorite coffee shop, buying a bunch of pretty flowers... you get the idea...
I've learned that taking time to enjoy the things that bring life to my spirit, allow me to see Jesus in the things that I love. Each one of them is a precious gift from Him- we enjoy them together.
My joy grew drastically in the summer of 2008. Close friends of mine in Kenya gave me the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and I was reading it on my way back from Thailand, sitting in the Qatar airport. Suddenly, the love of God made sense, the cross made sense, Jesus made sense. I finally got it- God loves me, and Jesus was the ultimate way that He could show me that love, and now I get to enjoy deep relationship with God because of Jesus' sacrifice. It was such a great morning. I was alone in a sea of Arab men and women who couldn't understand what I was experiencing, and yet finding it extremely hard to contain my emotions at that moment. All I wanted to do was dance and sing and tell them all about this amazing revelation I just had.
The more I learn about the deep love God has for me and His beautiful character, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more joy I find. Even when my car breaks down, even when another move is on the horizon, even when I'm not certain about what's next, I know my Jesus has me. I know He is faithful, I know He is good, I know He is loving. My heart is so blessed, and yet I know that the more our relationship grows, it will only get better from here.
