This evening, everything became simply "too much." Too much mess in my room, too much disorganized chaos in my brain, forgotten assignments, a receipt I threw away that I should have kept, lost money, pain in my poor, sore body, nose and head full of congestion, overall exhaustion... too much.
That feeling of everything being "too much," and me being the failure through it all creates within me strong emotional reactions. I being to feel I can never do anything right, I wonder again why I live here- I don't want to be here; yet, I don't want to be anywhere else since I know God has me here... but still, I'm discontented. Gosh. too much emotion. basically, all these feelings led to an overall sense of frustration, sadness, and tears.
I'm reading through Isaiah and tonight I got to chapter 40. Wow God, talk about speaking directly to my heart. The entire chapter, all 31 verses, were exactly what I needed to hear. I feel that the first 10 verses reflect the calling God has for me here in Chico, to "life up your voice with a shout, lift it up and do not be afraid" ... to "comfort [His] people," and allow His glory to be revealed.
Glorious purpose.
The next section, verses 11- 31, directly confronted me about the overwhelmed and frustrated state of my heart. Where do I place my trust? Where is my security? Why do I forget the power and the love of my God? Read this slowly, let it sink in. Each word a treasure...
"'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One.
Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.
Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel,
'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'?
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint"
(Isaiah 40:25-31).
So powerful. I get so wrapped up in my own concerns, my own failings, my own life, and I think I have to make it all better. I have to deal with my problems. The messes I have created, I must fix.
But that's so not true. I'm not God. I don't need to wrestle with what Jesus came to carry. He has told us that we who are weary and burdened can come to Him and find deep rest. I know that God cares about me despite my failings; He is good to me through my messiness. He is greater than my mistakes, and nothing happens outside of His knowledge. Not one star falls without Him allowing it to do so. I am not bigger than God, He has been showing me so faithfully over the past years how much He desires me, will I choose now not to trust Him?
Remember His faithfulness.
Trust His goodness.
I find it beautiful that verse 30 says "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall." It says that the ones who should be the most fit, the most able to endure and make it through without messing up, they still mess up, they still fall. And yet, it says that God is full of understanding that we cannot comprehend. He gives us strength we shouldn't have, and because of His incredible love, He gives it freely, joyously, abundantly. Such love.
It says we will soar. I love this word. Various definitions of this word say: "fly or rise high in the air. to climb powerfully. maintain height in the air without flapping wings or using engine power. increase rapidly above the usual level" (free dictionary and mac dictionary). Not only will we be given enough strength to get through, but as we hope in the Lord, we will be able to do more than expected without being drained or overwhelmed. We will rise high on fresh strength.
I choose to trust in my Rock, my Jesus. As the waves of my emotions ebb and flow, I will allow Him to be my constant. He knows me. He is not daunted by my emotions, He knows the depths of my heart and continues to say "you're worth it." Therefore, I trust His goodness, His love. He is worth trusting and the fickleness of my emotions will not overwhelm me. "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth." He is bigger, He is stronger, He is good. So good.
