"i'm sorry i'm not handling the stress of this very well."
"why aren't you handling it well?"
"cause i feel like everything's out of my control..."
"haven't you ever felt like that before?"
"ya..."
"have things ever not worked out?"
"no.."
"so, why do you let it stress you out so much if you know that things always work out? You have no reason to doubt God's faithfulness to pull things through for you until something doesn't work out."
Sometimes my little sister has way more common sense and wisdom than I do...
Her words really struck my heart and i've been thinking about them a lot over the past few days. I so easily let the little things in my life (and obviously they never feel little at the time...) stress me out way too much. I feel that I need to have everything all figured out and laid in neat little rows where i get to manage and supervise everything. And somehow, nothing ever works out that way... so when things jump out of my hands, will I trust and let life flow as it does, or will i continue to freak out and ruin my life and hurt those around me because things aren't "by the plan?"
I'm realizing I need to let go. I have my hands so tightly clenched around things that can't even be held. I hate not being "in control" of my life, and yet, when has that ever done me any good? I was definitely not in control of my life when my family moved overseas, nor when my university closed and i had to move unexpectedly, yet, how thankful I am for those events and for how much they have shaped my life. I wouldn't change those, at the time, "catastrophes," for anything.
I guess it really comes down to how much I trust. Trusting in God's goodness. Trusting in God's wisdom, his sovereignty, his power, his love, his faithfulness.... trust.
In place of where trust should be, I find fear. Fear that if I don't make things happen or keep the unraveling cords of my life somehow tied together, everything will fall to shreds. And for some reason, this terrifies me. As i've been thinking about this topic of fear in my life, i notice it is a common resident within my heart. I fear a lot. I fear being a failure in my job. I want my coworkers, managers, and guests I serve to like and respect me. I fear rejection. I fear never being pretty enough, confident enough, lovely enough. I fear finances which causes me to dread spending money in a way i'm convinced isn't healthy. I fear all these things that bind me from living freely and being who I truly want to be.
All this fear does is suffocate my heart and keeps me from truly living in the freedom and love I desire to embody. I hate that I let this lie have such a hold on my life. This fear shows me that I'm not understanding or believing the true reality of God's heart. If I truly understood how God sees me, how much he loves, how he longs to bring good things into my life, why would I let my heart believe I must be in control? When I fear, I don't trust. I don't rest. We weren't created for fear, we weren't created for worry, we were created to live loved.
Ah. love. again this topic seems to surface. Fear, worry, they seem to stem from a lack of understanding this royal sonship I live in, how I am truly seen in the Father's eyes. The vast wealth of His deep love. I still have so much to learn about how Jesus loves me, yet as I think about His love and these haunting emotions that linger in my heart, the phrase comes to mind: "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). This stirs my heart because I know this Man who loves perfectly. He teaches me. He loves me, He lives in me. Haha! There's hope for this silly girl yet. I love the idea of living without fear, yet somehow, I won't let myself live without it. I find it to be a safety net.. a false, unsatisfying one.
Perfect love.
When I truly believe I am loved by the One who loves perfectly, my life changes. My mindset changes. When I believe I'm perfectly loved, I believe I'm wonderfully taken care of. I then realize there's actually nothing to waste my time worrying about. Suddenly my heart becomes empowered to love deeper because I get to bask in love. I get to live confident because there's nothing more to fear. I love that verse that says "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). That's what I want. I want a full life. I want a life where I live fully because I'm fully and deeply and abundantly loved so much more than my heart can even contain. i want my life to spill great love, deep hope, gracious peace, gentle kindness, abundant faithfulness, and every other Godly attribute wherever I go because i'm just too full of the Father's love to embody anything else.
I want to believe i'm loved in the kind of way that causes a person to change. People in love are different. They are radiant. They are full of beauty you never before noticed, they blossom and more fully envelop the best parts of themselves. They hope, they dream, they believe anything is possible. They become daring, full of life, full of love... I want to live this way. I want to live a life where love overcomes fear, and worry, and doubt. Love. the best kind of love. Perfect love.
