Making a Choice

I have to choose.
I have to choose what I am going to believe- the lies I'm living by, or the truth, hidden by an emotional cloud of hurt and bitterness against God.

Choosing to call out the lies and see them for what they are- a sorry excuse for the emotional state I've been seeing as reality. Choosing to call out the truth of who God is, that He loves me, hears the cries in my heart and frustration in my soul, and is working despite my perceptions.

My soul has been down for much too long and even more frustrating is that I can't completely understand why. I am left only knowing that I feel unhappy, exhausted, and that a nagging whisper continues to impress upon me that there must be more... and yet, why isn't God responding to this longing...

And so, I've let these feelings overwhelm every aspect of my life, my job, my relationships, my spiritual perspective, everything. There's a longing to be Free, to Love and Live- sing, dance, and be- yet these are suppressed by my own pride of emotional discontentment.

Throughout this processes I've gone through confusion- why do I feel this way, everything in my life "looks amazing." I have a great job, the very job I asked Jesus for (yes, it is extremely overwhelming and exhausting most of the time, but my heart still loves it.) I have a wonderful boyfriend with a heart of gold, I have family nearby, I moved back in the city I wanted to live in, I have a great church, community... it all seems like I should be "fine." But I'm not. So obviously, something must be up.

I was remembering what I told Jesus when I found out Bethany University was shutting down and I'd have to leave my beloved San Jose life and move elsewhere. I literally laughed out loud. The situation was ridiculous. And then I said to God, "Well God, what'cha gunna do? You must have a great plan, cause this seems crazy." He did have a great plan. I learned so much through the process of leaving San Jose and can see God's intentional hand throughout that whole part of my journey, leading me to where I am at this moment.

Attitude is amazing. When I was able to take such a hard situation like leaving my beloved friends and family of San Jose, and turn the pain and uncertainty into Hope of what God was about to do- the process was incredible. My heart was secure. I knew my God was Good. I had no doubt He would take care of me throughout the hard process.

Lately I've turned my hurts, aggravations, and present pains into the central focus of my life. My job is hard. I'm learning a lot. It's painful. It can be completely consuming and overwhelming if I'm not careful. And usually, I'm not careful. Everything feels like it matters and that I'm completely alone in trying to figure out how to solve my "problems." Yet, a beautiful realization dawned on me as I was reading Luke 8:14 about seeds getting "...choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature..." I realized I was taking on many of life's worries- struggling and trying and working SO hard, and getting nowhere but pain and frustration. I wrote for myself "Nothing matters besides the Love and Salvation that is mine in Jesus, and therefore, I can live Free because He is my Everything." Simple. Yet, I started laughing as it hit me that all these things that seem SO important (and yes, in their own way they are important, I'm not trying to say that I should be irresponsible or a poor steward of what God has entrusted me with) my worries are to have no hold on my heart and mind, only the Truth of God's Love and Power in my life.

Whether it feels like it or not, Jesus it at work. He has a plan and though life is hard and crazy in my head, the Truth is that, because of Hope I can smile, laugh, and dance despite the unknown, the fear, and the frustration. My Good Father has brought me through so much and only been amazingly faithful and kind. He will not change now. "I am God and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me." Isaiah 46: 8-9 and "Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give nations in exchange for you and peoples in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you." Isaiah 43: 4-5

I choose Hope, and to smile in the face of the unknown, because I have a Good God whom I can fully and completely lean and depend on. I choose to Joyfully Trust my Faithful Father.

 "Oceans" By Hillsong UNITED. Beautiful. Enjoy.

I too, can fail

   I'm failing. A lot. At most everything. Friendships, my job, my emotional wellbeing, my decision making integrity... yup, a whole lot of failure pretty much everywhere you look. 

Two major ideas have been surfacing lately:

1) I have a huge amount of pressure on myself to do things amazingly well, to be the most effective teacher, to make everyone happy with every decision I make, and to live a pretty-much-perfect life.

2) I'm failing. 

My failures:

   My classrooms aren't up to my idea of perfection. I feel like I'm letting my students down because I should be able to handle all the crap, the chaos, and the frustration. I feel I'm letting the Credential Program down because I "should be prepared" for everything "real classrooms" have to throw at me. And also, I feel like I'm letting myself down. Esther. Why can't you do this? Why is this so emotionally hard for you? Why can't you handle it?

   I've been identifying that a good majority of my decisions are made based on how I think other people with emotionally respond to them. "Will I offend them? Will they be mad at me? Will they think I'm a rude or selfish person? If I don't, I'll be letting them down..." I'm SO incredibly wrapped up in other people's opinions and feelings, that I've forgotten the importance of fighting for my own "emotional integrity." 

   Getting out of a relationship, is a sucky process. Not only is there the whole mending the hearth thing and learning to fall into community when you're weak and readjusting to life, but I'm also struggling with the challenge of actually staying in the same town as that person... and not moving away. The process of learning to shift a relationship while still being closely linked in community, church, and life is a rough process. I feel like a very slow learner right now. 

   I'm proud where my heart should be humble, gentle, and ready to listen. I so want to hold on to my imperfections, I'm too weak to not be perfect. I dwell on stupid things that swallow the life out of even the simplest of good. I allow the pressure of life (real or self-created) to squeeze my emotions into a ball until I explode. I fear in situations where a deep part of me wants to live graciously and strongly, and smile boldly at the crap. 

   In general lately, I've been a pretty lame friend, downright horrible at times. I've been dull, exasperated, and even blatantly rude to the people I deeply care about. In long and in short, I'm not myself. And I hate how it's hurting others, as well as my own heart. 

   And so, it seems, I'm failing. 

   I hate failing. I won't do things if I think I will fail. I won't play a sport that I'm not good at. I won't agree to activities if I feel like I'll look dumb. Even my grades throughout college reflected this fear of failure as I stressed and pushed hard to get the A's I always "needed." 

   And yet, I'm learning that it's pretty hard to keep an 'A' in life. It seems, I fail. I'm failing more than I'd like to admit. And currently, I'm forced to admit it, because it's blatantly staring me in the face each and every day. 

I fail people. I fail my students. I fail my friends, my family, and myself. 

I'm starting to learn that it's hard to be perfect. It's hard to never fail. 

I'm beginning to see that I might expect more of myself than is healthy, or realistic. And so, I'm determined to learn to let go. Even if the process goes more slowly than I'd like. 

I'm right in the middle of a bunch of crappy crapness, but I'm identifying the crap, the emotions, the reactions, the roots of the turmoil I feel I'm imploding from. 

   I'm ready to start learning to give myself a break from unrealistic expectation and pressure, to be honest with myself and stand up for my desires. To allow myself to learn more slowly than I'm comfortable with, to lean on friends, and to humble my heart in accepting that, I too, can fail. And hopefully through these failings, I can truly learn to Live. For to really, truly, and deeply Live, that is my greatest desire.