finding truth

I have a dear friend who asks me the right questions, the provoking questions, the questions that challenge me to seek truth, and not just sit contently in the confusion of my emotions. The other day I was, once again, overwhelmed with everything new and different around me. I wanted security, I wanted friends here with me, I wanted normalcy- now. I began to feel that God was being unfair. He knows I dislike change and that it's super hard for me, and yet, he gives it to me anyway. I felt unloved and far from cherished. I felt abandoned, here to figure it out on my own. When I mentioned these feelings to my friend, his response was simply "What did He (God) say to you about it?"

What? Ask God what His response to my feelings, my accusations was? Unthinkable, yet profoundly the correct response I should have taken in the first place.

So I did. I told God honestly how I felt, expressed the hurt, the unrealistic accusations, and the truth that was my heart. And then I asked Him what He thought about it all... The response was beautiful, nothing necessarily profound or extravagant, but meaningful to me. I felt God revealing to me that this season is important, that it will grow me in ways that are crucial for the seasons that come later, for the places I will go, the things I take part in, I need this season. The story of Joseph from the Old Testament came to mind. Joseph's story has always been near and dear to my heart, and I thought it was special that Jesus brought it to my mind. Throughout his life, Joseph went through many transitions, many of which he did not choose, many were unfair and hard. But God used them, and through them, God molded Joseph's character into the man that would influence nations and save lives. God had big plans for Joseph, but a process was needed to get him to where he needed to be.

I have always respected Joseph's devotion to the Lord through his personal hard times. As far as I know, he lived well along the journey. He had no idea that amazing plans were ahead of him, but he trusted God, remained faithful, and honored Him in each situation he was placed in. Joseph was able to look back through all the seasons of his life, from his childhood dreams, to undeserved favor in job situations, promotions, and places of honor, and in each, he could see God's faithfulness and provision. He had hope in the Lord's good plan.

I want to be like this. I want to live fully, live well, and live in a way that's honoring to my God in each season.

Just this morning I was falling back into the abyss of my fear- how will I find parking for classes, will the classes be overwhelming, will I live in bitterness and never make friends, how will I find a job that fits my schedule, is it possible to find a church that I can connect with and find the community I long for... in my heart the lies resound- no. you will fail. you will never enjoy your life here like you enjoyed the seasons before this. just sit in self pity, it's a comfortable, safe place to be. the unknown is unsafe, you don't want to go there, you don't want to risk it. 


Lies. All of them. And so I decided I needed to stop listening to the lies and begin listening to the truth. The truth is that I've been here before, I have pursued through all these fears before, and I know what's real. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, just as Joseph could. I know how God has provided before, in abundant blessings I never could have imagined. I see how the seasons have grown, changed, and taught me, and I see glimpses of God's purpose for my life along the way. The journey is not in vain. The struggle is not too much.

As I began to ask God to calm my heart, the words from a recent blog post I read came to mind. It talked about the heart of the Father and how He is "always at peace, always joyful, always loving, always living life to the fullest. God is the "I AM." He is the ever resting one..."-Karsten. These words prompted my heart to continue declaring the truth of God's power and control, His sovereignty and peace. "Nothing is too big, overwhelming, or scary for You. This situation in my life isn't too much for you. Your heart is at rest. You take joy in where I'm at and all that's in store. You have it all in Your hands. I have no idea what's to come, but You do and it doesn't bother you in the slightest because You know I need this season, that it's important, that it's good. You know I will come through it more refined and more beautiful. You're excited, not daunted. Thank you that your strength is enough. That you give hope to the helpless and strength to the weary. Thank you that your burden is light and that as I give you my fears and my tears, I am able to receive your peace, your grace, your comfort and wonderful love. Thank you for Your hope." 


I've been learning that the best way to grow in relationships is to engage in honest and open communication. As I look at my own feelings and don't just let the stresses, the lies, and the emotions overwhelm and consume me, but openly express them to my Father, I get the answers, the comfort, and the love that I'm longing for. He's here, He cares, and I need to remember to stop being to stubbornly self absorbed, and freely cling to His loving embrace.

learning to be a friend

It's times like this when I feel like a horrible friend. I look back and see the friend I should of been, the friend I now need for myself. I've been impatient with dear friends in times when all they needed was a loving heart to simply be there for them. I haven't said this out loud, on the contrary, I've been that patient, kind friend on the outside, but inside, I want them to hurry up. "Stop whining," "be more flexible," "learn to adjust," "see where you're messing up and fix it, soon." I have become impatient with those who long for someone to wait with them as they process life, to love them in times when we seem unlovely, or merely need someone to believe in them.

But now, I'm the complaining, hurting, struggling, unlovely one, and I see how wrong my heart has been. I see now the love and grace my friends needed. I see how unkind and unhelpful my thoughts have been. In this journey of life, as we grow, struggle, hurt, and succeed, we're all looking for a little love. We long for people to stand by us in our good, our bad, and our ugly times. We need people to give us a hug, a bit of encouragement, or the space allowing us to be fully present in each season of life. We need people to let us know that where we are is ok, that the hurt is ok, that the feelings are real (even if they're not completely true), that we are still loved, and that the season will not last forever.

We don't always see it when we're in it, but the seasons of life, whether joyful or hard, they grow us, especially the hard ones. Through them, we are able to see where God has been faithful, where we have grown in our faith, in trust. We see that we are fragile and need the strength of a loving, gentile, and good Father.

Growing in a better understanding of how I should love those around me, and how I want to be loved, parallels what I'm learning about how God loves me. He loves me in my weakness. He lets me feel my hurt, and loves me knowing there is growth to come, but He never pushes me. He is gentle and kind, always full of grace and generous in love. This is how I want to live, the kind of friend I want to be. Gracious, compassionate, patient, able to fully and deeply love.

Loved

This song has meant a lot to me lately...

His Grace

This morning I found myself stifled by the frustration of the season I find myself in. I want purpose and activity so that I can move on, and not have to deal with my heart. Yet, once again, I find myself struggling in a place of learning to just be.

I needed an outlet, so I decided the best way to handle my discontented thoughts was to take a long walk. As I explored the winding roads around the neighborhood I now live in, I began to try to express my heart, my hurt, and my sorrow to God. I love walking and talking. It's a great combination.

I told Him I'm tired of change, and even though I know He is faithful, I don't want to go through the effort of moving to a new place and meeting new people again. I don't feel excited for this process, even though, deep down, I know it will be a good season. I don't feel at peace and content like I know I could/should when I consider the truth of God's faithfulness. I know where I should be at emotionally- fully dependent, at peace, and thankful for where God has me, but my heart isn't fully there yet. I'm sad. I'm tired of the process.

I began telling God this during my walk, and the words of Paul came to mind as he said: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation... I can do all this through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13 italics are mine). The repetition of "learned" stuck out to my heart. Paul indicates that the process of becoming content with where the Lord has placed him is a learning process, it doesn't just happen overnight. There's hope for me yet. And he concludes his statement saying that this learning to be content happens because God gives him the strength. He doesn't conjure the feelings alone, but God supplies him with what he needs.

As I was pondering this, more of Paul's words came to mind, because he too struggled, at times, with where God had Him. During one such time, Paul says that God told him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul goes on to say that because he can trust what the Lord says to be true, he can then "delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10). I'm not sure yet that I can fully align my heart with Paul's, for I don't feel like I want to delight in the hardships of moving and the weakness of my heart. And yet, I know he is right. I know that as I take my eyes off my hurt and look towards God, my attitude changes. As I look at His blessings surrounding me, my heart becomes more content in how God is taking care of me, and loving me.

I began speaking to God about these verses and telling Him what I felt I needed right now from life. I told Him I need encouragement. I've realized over the years, that I become more encouraged as I praise and thank God, so I began to count the blessing around me, right here, right now. Winding roads, the gorgeous view of the valley below me, warm sunshine, deer, tall trees and that there are so many of them... and what do you know, but a few minutes into this process my phone started to ring. "Blocked" was what it read and I almost didn't answer, but when I did, I started to cry. The call was from a dear friend from high school. She lives in Scotland and we haven't seen each other or properly talked in almost 3 years. My heart ached with blessing at the sound of her voice. God truly gave me the encouragement I had asked for. I'm always amazed at how He continually shows me His love in such beautiful ways.

Though I still hurt, and change is still hard, I'm encouraged. I'm blessed. I know that I'm deeply loved and not abandoned. God always shows Himself to be so gracious, so kind, so faithful... "therefore, [I] do not lose heart" (2 Corinthians 4:16).

an unexpected semester

For any of you who may be wondering where I've been the last few months, and what the next bend in my journey has in store.. here's a little update. 

Some of you may know that I transferred to William Jessup University for the final semester of my BA degree in English. (You can find the details concerning my move to Jessup in a post I wrote back in August, its called "God's Faithfulness and Blessings.")

The move was filled with mixed emotions. Excitement in the unknown of a new place and all that God could do through the transition. Yet, my excitement was combined with sadness and fear, as I was moving away from dear friends and family in San Jose, and “starting over” once again. It was also sad to think of the brevity of the semester, because after making friends, finding community, and enjoying this season of life, it would be just that, a season, and then I’d move away again. It’s become a wonderfully blessed, but hard routine. 

Even though my adventure at Jessup wasn’t primarily because of my own choosing, I’m so thankful for all I’ve come away with. The semester changed me and challenged me to grow in ways I probably wouldn’t have if I had stayed in San Jose. As I reflect back on the semester, I see such blessing. God truly has been so good to me.

The academic courses I was able to take were fantastic. I loved my studies, and the depth I found within my upper division courses. Throughout the semester I’ve been challenged, but in the most fulfilling kind of way, and it’s led me to gain more knowledge and passion for the subject matters I love.

I feel that the Lord brought me to Jessup not only for academic reasons, but also to teach me more about Himself in a special way. Over the past year I’ve met several “charismatic” Christians and had to consider their understanding of God in ways I never had to before. It’s been a fun journey of looking at the Bible, and things I’ve been taught, and try to understand God’s heart through it all. As I’ve thought about what themes I have found within this semester, I would say “freedom” and “rest” as I learn to just “be” who I am in the presence of God.  

I have been learning to enjoy God more freely, understanding that my creativity, the way I love to dance, my heart, and how I see and respond to God are beautiful. I’m learning to be loved and, in return, how to love better. I’ve found that so often, I try so hard. I want to be the “good” Christian girl, who grows, and learns, and wants to respond to the grace and love I know God has given me... and yet there are times that I feel that I’m forcing feelings. I’m doing the right thing because I “should,” not because I want to, sometimes. I’ve been learning to be open to what I’m truly feeling and communicate with God about it. Not just say what I should say, but say what’s on my heart. Dare to say the things that “aren’t Christian,” but are what I feel. It’s been so freeing to understand more fully that God already knows the depths of me, so why not just be honest with myself, and actually BE where I am, and deal with it, and learn through it. God’s not afraid of what I feel, so why should I be so mortified by seemingly “unChristian” emotions? It’s been such a relief to be able to feel what I’m feeling and know that God is happy to meet me there. When I’m not afraid of where I’m at, I’m able to enjoy the process a whole lot more, and enjoy God a whole lot more. 

As I reflect over the year 2011, I see the past paragraph expound on a much larger scale. I see how God has been wooing me. How He has been pursuing me, drawing me towards Himself, and teaching me how to enjoy Him. I don’t have to “work” at it, I just get to “be” with Him, honestly, openly, and fully. It’s a wonderful journey. God is so kind. 

My perception of people has also changed. I’ve grown more able to see the amazing potential within each person. From the beautiful and popular, to the awkward and unconfident, these are the people Jesus loves. Each one is a person Jesus came to redeem, to live in, to awaken, to enjoy, and to love. Realizing this more deeply has given me a desire to love and see people the way Jesus does. How awesome is it to realize that each person has an amazing destiny ahead of them? And sometimes, people just need a little love and encouragement to help them see how amazing they are, how worth being around, how important and valuable their thoughts and desires are, and that who they are is wonderful. 

God has given me so many blessings throughout this past semester.

And yet, leaving Jessup was just as hard as any move has been. I know that in this next stage of life God will be just as faithful, but I’m still weak, and I still forget. 

If you’re wondering what I’m doing now that I’ve finally finished my English degree... I’m continuing with school. I’ll be attending CSU Chico starting the middle of January, working towards my Single Subject Teaching Credential. This credential will allow me to teach high school English. I’ll be living with my parents for a while (they recently bought a house in Paradise, the town next to Chico) until I am able to move into town. Though I struggle with feeling like I’m taking advantage of my parents’ hospitality, and that I should be making my own way in the world, I try to remember this is only a season. I also try to remember the blessing it is to have them near, when, for many years, we were so far apart. so many blessings. 

Though I’m unsure, as we all are, of what lies ahead in this next season, I’m excited to see what God has in store. He has been faithful before, and that keeps me strong through the changes.