I needed an outlet, so I decided the best way to handle my discontented thoughts was to take a long walk. As I explored the winding roads around the neighborhood I now live in, I began to try to express my heart, my hurt, and my sorrow to God. I love walking and talking. It's a great combination.
I told Him I'm tired of change, and even though I know He is faithful, I don't want to go through the effort of moving to a new place and meeting new people again. I don't feel excited for this process, even though, deep down, I know it will be a good season. I don't feel at peace and content like I know I could/should when I consider the truth of God's faithfulness. I know where I should be at emotionally- fully dependent, at peace, and thankful for where God has me, but my heart isn't fully there yet. I'm sad. I'm tired of the process.
I began telling God this during my walk, and the words of Paul came to mind as he said: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation... I can do all this through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13 italics are mine). The repetition of "learned" stuck out to my heart. Paul indicates that the process of becoming content with where the Lord has placed him is a learning process, it doesn't just happen overnight. There's hope for me yet. And he concludes his statement saying that this learning to be content happens because God gives him the strength. He doesn't conjure the feelings alone, but God supplies him with what he needs.
As I was pondering this, more of Paul's words came to mind, because he too struggled, at times, with where God had Him. During one such time, Paul says that God told him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul goes on to say that because he can trust what the Lord says to be true, he can then "delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10). I'm not sure yet that I can fully align my heart with Paul's, for I don't feel like I want to delight in the hardships of moving and the weakness of my heart. And yet, I know he is right. I know that as I take my eyes off my hurt and look towards God, my attitude changes. As I look at His blessings surrounding me, my heart becomes more content in how God is taking care of me, and loving me.
I began speaking to God about these verses and telling Him what I felt I needed right now from life. I told Him I need encouragement. I've realized over the years, that I become more encouraged as I praise and thank God, so I began to count the blessing around me, right here, right now. Winding roads, the gorgeous view of the valley below me, warm sunshine, deer, tall trees and that there are so many of them... and what do you know, but a few minutes into this process my phone started to ring. "Blocked" was what it read and I almost didn't answer, but when I did, I started to cry. The call was from a dear friend from high school. She lives in Scotland and we haven't seen each other or properly talked in almost 3 years. My heart ached with blessing at the sound of her voice. God truly gave me the encouragement I had asked for. I'm always amazed at how He continually shows me His love in such beautiful ways.
Though I still hurt, and change is still hard, I'm encouraged. I'm blessed. I know that I'm deeply loved and not abandoned. God always shows Himself to be so gracious, so kind, so faithful... "therefore, [I] do not lose heart" (2 Corinthians 4:16).
This is spectacular. I can deeply relate. It's interesting that learning to "be" is directly connected to learning to experience the "being" of everything else around you. As you connect with God in your surroundings, you begin to connect with Him in yourself. It's very cool. Thanks for the post.
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