Some of you may know that I transferred to William Jessup University for the final semester of my BA degree in English. (You can find the details concerning my move to Jessup in a post I wrote back in August, its called "God's Faithfulness and Blessings.")
The move was filled with mixed emotions. Excitement in the unknown of a new place and all that God could do through the transition. Yet, my excitement was combined with sadness and fear, as I was moving away from dear friends and family in San Jose, and “starting over” once again. It was also sad to think of the brevity of the semester, because after making friends, finding community, and enjoying this season of life, it would be just that, a season, and then I’d move away again. It’s become a wonderfully blessed, but hard routine.
Even though my adventure at Jessup wasn’t primarily because of my own choosing, I’m so thankful for all I’ve come away with. The semester changed me and challenged me to grow in ways I probably wouldn’t have if I had stayed in San Jose. As I reflect back on the semester, I see such blessing. God truly has been so good to me.
The academic courses I was able to take were fantastic. I loved my studies, and the depth I found within my upper division courses. Throughout the semester I’ve been challenged, but in the most fulfilling kind of way, and it’s led me to gain more knowledge and passion for the subject matters I love.
I feel that the Lord brought me to Jessup not only for academic reasons, but also to teach me more about Himself in a special way. Over the past year I’ve met several “charismatic” Christians and had to consider their understanding of God in ways I never had to before. It’s been a fun journey of looking at the Bible, and things I’ve been taught, and try to understand God’s heart through it all. As I’ve thought about what themes I have found within this semester, I would say “freedom” and “rest” as I learn to just “be” who I am in the presence of God.
I have been learning to enjoy God more freely, understanding that my creativity, the way I love to dance, my heart, and how I see and respond to God are beautiful. I’m learning to be loved and, in return, how to love better. I’ve found that so often, I try so hard. I want to be the “good” Christian girl, who grows, and learns, and wants to respond to the grace and love I know God has given me... and yet there are times that I feel that I’m forcing feelings. I’m doing the right thing because I “should,” not because I want to, sometimes. I’ve been learning to be open to what I’m truly feeling and communicate with God about it. Not just say what I should say, but say what’s on my heart. Dare to say the things that “aren’t Christian,” but are what I feel. It’s been so freeing to understand more fully that God already knows the depths of me, so why not just be honest with myself, and actually BE where I am, and deal with it, and learn through it. God’s not afraid of what I feel, so why should I be so mortified by seemingly “unChristian” emotions? It’s been such a relief to be able to feel what I’m feeling and know that God is happy to meet me there. When I’m not afraid of where I’m at, I’m able to enjoy the process a whole lot more, and enjoy God a whole lot more.
As I reflect over the year 2011, I see the past paragraph expound on a much larger scale. I see how God has been wooing me. How He has been pursuing me, drawing me towards Himself, and teaching me how to enjoy Him. I don’t have to “work” at it, I just get to “be” with Him, honestly, openly, and fully. It’s a wonderful journey. God is so kind.
My perception of people has also changed. I’ve grown more able to see the amazing potential within each person. From the beautiful and popular, to the awkward and unconfident, these are the people Jesus loves. Each one is a person Jesus came to redeem, to live in, to awaken, to enjoy, and to love. Realizing this more deeply has given me a desire to love and see people the way Jesus does. How awesome is it to realize that each person has an amazing destiny ahead of them? And sometimes, people just need a little love and encouragement to help them see how amazing they are, how worth being around, how important and valuable their thoughts and desires are, and that who they are is wonderful.
God has given me so many blessings throughout this past semester.
And yet, leaving Jessup was just as hard as any move has been. I know that in this next stage of life God will be just as faithful, but I’m still weak, and I still forget.
If you’re wondering what I’m doing now that I’ve finally finished my English degree... I’m continuing with school. I’ll be attending CSU Chico starting the middle of January, working towards my Single Subject Teaching Credential. This credential will allow me to teach high school English. I’ll be living with my parents for a while (they recently bought a house in Paradise, the town next to Chico) until I am able to move into town. Though I struggle with feeling like I’m taking advantage of my parents’ hospitality, and that I should be making my own way in the world, I try to remember this is only a season. I also try to remember the blessing it is to have them near, when, for many years, we were so far apart. so many blessings.
Though I’m unsure, as we all are, of what lies ahead in this next season, I’m excited to see what God has in store. He has been faithful before, and that keeps me strong through the changes.
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