Two major ideas have been surfacing lately:
1) I have a huge amount of pressure on myself to do things amazingly well, to be the most effective teacher, to make everyone happy with every decision I make, and to live a pretty-much-perfect life.
2) I'm failing.
My failures:
My classrooms aren't up to my idea of perfection. I feel like I'm letting my students down because I should be able to handle all the crap, the chaos, and the frustration. I feel I'm letting the Credential Program down because I "should be prepared" for everything "real classrooms" have to throw at me. And also, I feel like I'm letting myself down. Esther. Why can't you do this? Why is this so emotionally hard for you? Why can't you handle it?
I've been identifying that a good majority of my decisions are made based on how I think other people with emotionally respond to them. "Will I offend them? Will they be mad at me? Will they think I'm a rude or selfish person? If I don't, I'll be letting them down..." I'm SO incredibly wrapped up in other people's opinions and feelings, that I've forgotten the importance of fighting for my own "emotional integrity."
Getting out of a relationship, is a sucky process. Not only is there the whole mending the hearth thing and learning to fall into community when you're weak and readjusting to life, but I'm also struggling with the challenge of actually staying in the same town as that person... and not moving away. The process of learning to shift a relationship while still being closely linked in community, church, and life is a rough process. I feel like a very slow learner right now.
I'm proud where my heart should be humble, gentle, and ready to listen. I so want to hold on to my imperfections, I'm too weak to not be perfect. I dwell on stupid things that swallow the life out of even the simplest of good. I allow the pressure of life (real or self-created) to squeeze my emotions into a ball until I explode. I fear in situations where a deep part of me wants to live graciously and strongly, and smile boldly at the crap.
In general lately, I've been a pretty lame friend, downright horrible at times. I've been dull, exasperated, and even blatantly rude to the people I deeply care about. In long and in short, I'm not myself. And I hate how it's hurting others, as well as my own heart.
And so, it seems, I'm failing.
I hate failing. I won't do things if I think I will fail. I won't play a sport that I'm not good at. I won't agree to activities if I feel like I'll look dumb. Even my grades throughout college reflected this fear of failure as I stressed and pushed hard to get the A's I always "needed."
And yet, I'm learning that it's pretty hard to keep an 'A' in life. It seems, I fail. I'm failing more than I'd like to admit. And currently, I'm forced to admit it, because it's blatantly staring me in the face each and every day.
I fail people. I fail my students. I fail my friends, my family, and myself.
I'm starting to learn that it's hard to be perfect. It's hard to never fail.
I'm beginning to see that I might expect more of myself than is healthy, or realistic. And so, I'm determined to learn to let go. Even if the process goes more slowly than I'd like.
I'm right in the middle of a bunch of crappy crapness, but I'm identifying the crap, the emotions, the reactions, the roots of the turmoil I feel I'm imploding from.
I'm ready to start learning to give myself a break from unrealistic expectation and pressure, to be honest with myself and stand up for my desires. To allow myself to learn more slowly than I'm comfortable with, to lean on friends, and to humble my heart in accepting that, I too, can fail. And hopefully through these failings, I can truly learn to Live. For to really, truly, and deeply Live, that is my greatest desire.
