It's one of those nights where sleep doesn't come easy and my heart is frustrated with all the things that I don't understand. I want to do things right. I want to be content. I want to be fulfilled. I want to love well, live well, bless and be blessed. Yet, I'm frustrated at how "not well" i feel i'm doing everything.
Something brought me to my blog in my sleeplessness and I looked down the list of blogs I follow to my dear friend and now cousin Katie's blog. I always love reading Katie's words. Though them I see her heart. I see her pain, her growth, her raw authenticity. Katie's blog was the first encounter I had with her after my cousin Matt told me about this amazing girl he had met in the airport, and as I read her heart through her blog, I knew this sweet-hearted young woman was well worth his pursuit.
This evening as I skimmed down the list of Katie's old posts to see if there were any I had missed in the past few months, a post from January caught my eye. As I read further my heart welled and tears streamed down my face. Through Katie's journey after college back to Santa Rosa, I see parallels of my current season. I'm so thankful to have such a dear friend who can speak into the pain, the longings, and the fears that my heart encounters during this season. Her gentle, authentic words give me hope, they give me peace, and such great encouragement about the love of our Father. Here are her beautiful words if you'd like to read them for yourself: Seasons of Life.
I feel like if there's one thing I've truly been learning lately, its a deeper understanding of the heart of Jesus. God keeps bringing me back to this topic. His heart for me. His love, His joy in giving me unexpected pleasures, how He loves to surprise me in lavishing love on me in ways I never would have imagined. I am continually blessed beyond what I could ever deserve. But I guess that's the amazing thing about Grace. God's love and blessing and grace have poured upon me and I cannot deny His heart is for me. I cannot deny His faithfulness, His promises to me, His love for me, His closeness and joy of being with me. He wants better for me than I want for myself.
Yet, as I read Katie's blog I realized that even as I see such outpourings of love, I don't fully believe it. I can't fully grasp that Jesus truly has it all together. I don't fully believe that He loves me just that much.. that His plans for my life aren't just dreams, but they are realities waiting for perfect timing. And so, despite my doubts, I choose to dwell in the truth my head knows, and trust that, in time, they will make it fully and deeply to my heart. Jesus is my Good Father, gentle and tender and deeply invested in me. In my heart. In my dreams. In my longings and ambitions. My thoughts are important to Him. My cares, my pain, my tears, and crazy emotions are not only put up with, but valued and beloved. They are held and responded to with great care and gentleness...
I feel I am just glimpsing the beginning of a truth that runs so much deeper than I can imagine,.. yet to grow in knowledge of the deep love of my Father, I can't imagine a more beautiful journey.
