"Will you let me hold you?"

  I find myself in a weird stage right now. Over the years I've cultivated and nurtured so many dreams, big dreams, beautiful dreams, and they've fueled me and given me passion for my life.

  Yet, over these past few weeks, maybe months, I've been realizing that I'm not sure I believe in my dreams any more, or even want them. This apathy for the passions I once had concerns me, because, for one, it has effected my mood and ability to cope with life, and two, I'm believing downright lies.

  Some examples? I've been apathetic about school- I don't care. And I do care, I always cared before- grades have always been a huge deal for me, and I usually love school.. yet recently, it takes every ounce of effort to do my homework and even go to class. I cry way too easily. I feel lonely and discouraged with life almost every time I find myself alone... to say the least, it's a discouraging time..

  However, I think I've figured out why I struggle desiring success for this semester. I think I'm afraid that I won't find fulfillment in or be passionate about my ever approaching "teaching dream." I'm afraid all this work and money and time and stress and overwhelming days will be for absolutely no good reason, and I'm sick and tired of trying.

  I've never wanted to give up so badly.

  Yet, as I sit and think about giving up, a tiny (sane) part of my heart reminds me that I know I will enjoy teaching (my past experiences have already shown me glimpses of this..), I will love my students, I will find fulfillment in and be passion about my job... I will.

  but i'm afraid.

  As I poured out my pain to a wise woman in my life, she encouraged me to stand. Just to stand. That sometimes as the waters of chaos rise and the winds of lies roar, you need to stand firm on the promises of Jesus and just praise Him. It's true. It's amazing how worshiping the Lord can change my aching, downcast heart to one of joy and trust.

  A few days ago I was sitting at the park, crying out to Jesus. I expressed how tired I was of never knowing when I'd suddenly feel emotionally ridiculous and completely overwhelmed. I was trying to feel "normal" and have the right perspective of life, but it's not always that simple sometimes... In response to my outpoured heart, I felt like Jesus said to me "You're trying too hard. You always want to make everything perfect and do everything, and you can't, you can't do everything, you need to let go. Let me be the strong one. Let me show my strength in your feelings of weakness. You need to let go and let me hold you, hold the stuff, hold the time... will you let me hold you?" That last part has continued to repeat in my heart "Will you let me hold you?"

  Being still in the arms of one who truly loves, who truly cares. Trusting in His wisdom and love for me, for my life. Finding rest in His goodness, which creates space for praise and worship, which leads to joy. Joy because He is love, and has a good plan. Believing that there is power on my side that is greater than my fears, or doubts, or confusion, or anger, or frustration, or any and all of it.

  Praise the Lord that He is greater.

  I don't fully "feel" amazing about my life all the time, but I'm standing. I'm not giving up, and I'm trying not letting the things around me overwhelm me. I find I must continually choose to trust the goodness, faithfulness, and love that surpasses my understanding to help me through these strange waters I find myself amidst.

living loved

"i'm sorry i'm not handling the stress of this very well."

"why aren't you handling it well?"

"cause i feel like everything's out of my control..."

"haven't you ever felt like that before?"

"ya..."

"have things ever not worked out?"

"no.."

"so, why do you let it stress you out so much if you know that things always work out? You have no reason to doubt God's faithfulness to pull things through for you until something doesn't work out."

  Sometimes my little sister has way more common sense and wisdom than I do...

  Her words really struck my heart and i've been thinking about them a lot over the past few days. I so easily let the little things in my life (and obviously they never feel little at the time...) stress me out way too much. I feel that I need to have everything all figured out and laid in neat little rows where i get to manage and supervise everything. And somehow, nothing ever works out that way... so when things jump out of my hands, will I trust and let life flow as it does, or will i continue to freak out and ruin my life and hurt those around me because things aren't "by the plan?"

  I'm realizing I need to let go. I have my hands so tightly clenched around things that can't even be held. I hate not being "in control" of my life, and yet, when has that ever done me any good? I was definitely not in control of my life when my family moved overseas, nor when my university closed and i had to move unexpectedly, yet, how thankful I am for those events and for how much they have shaped my life. I wouldn't change those, at the time, "catastrophes," for anything.

  I guess it really comes down to how much I trust. Trusting in God's goodness. Trusting in God's wisdom, his sovereignty, his power, his love, his faithfulness.... trust.

  In place of where trust should be, I find fear. Fear that if I don't make things happen or keep the unraveling cords of my life somehow tied together, everything will fall to shreds. And for some reason, this terrifies me. As i've been thinking about this topic of fear in my life, i notice it is a common resident within my heart. I fear a lot. I fear being a failure in my job. I want my coworkers, managers, and guests I serve to like and respect me. I fear rejection. I fear never being pretty enough, confident enough, lovely enough. I fear finances which causes me to dread spending money in a way i'm convinced isn't healthy. I fear all these things that bind me from living freely and being who I truly want to be.

  All this fear does is suffocate my heart and keeps me from truly living in the freedom and love I desire to embody. I hate that I let this lie have such a hold on my life. This fear shows me that I'm not understanding or believing the true reality of God's heart. If I truly understood how God sees me, how much he loves, how he longs to bring good things into my life, why would I let my heart believe I must be in control? When I fear, I don't trust. I don't rest. We weren't created for fear, we weren't created for worry, we were created to live loved.

  Ah. love. again this topic seems to surface. Fear, worry, they seem to stem from a lack of understanding this royal sonship I live in, how I am truly seen in the Father's eyes. The vast wealth of His deep love. I still have so much to learn about how Jesus loves me, yet as I think about His love and these haunting emotions that linger in my heart, the phrase comes to mind: "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). This stirs my heart because I know this Man who loves perfectly. He teaches me. He loves me, He lives in me. Haha! There's hope for this silly girl yet. I love the idea of living without fear, yet somehow, I won't let myself live without it. I find it to be a safety net.. a false, unsatisfying one.

  Perfect love.

  When I truly believe I am loved by the One who loves perfectly, my life changes. My mindset changes. When I believe I'm perfectly loved, I believe I'm wonderfully taken care of. I then realize there's actually nothing to waste my time worrying about. Suddenly my heart becomes empowered to love deeper because I get to bask in love. I get to live confident because there's nothing more to fear. I love that verse that says "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). That's what I want. I want a full life. I want a life where I live fully because I'm fully and deeply and abundantly loved so much more than my heart can even contain. i want my life to spill great love, deep hope, gracious peace, gentle kindness, abundant faithfulness, and every other Godly attribute wherever I go because i'm just too full of the Father's love to embody anything else.

  I want to believe i'm loved in the kind of way that causes a person to change. People in love are different. They are radiant. They are full of beauty you never before noticed, they blossom and more fully envelop the best parts of themselves. They hope, they dream, they believe anything is possible. They become daring, full of life, full of love... I want to live this way. I want to live a life where love overcomes fear, and worry, and doubt. Love. the best kind of love. Perfect love.

the Love of a Father

It's one of those nights where sleep doesn't come easy and my heart is frustrated with all the things that I don't understand. I want to do things right. I want to be content. I want to be fulfilled. I want to love well, live well, bless and be blessed. Yet, I'm frustrated at how "not well" i feel i'm doing everything.

Something brought me to my blog in my sleeplessness and I looked down the list of blogs I follow to my dear friend and now cousin Katie's blog. I always love reading Katie's words. Though them I see her heart. I see her pain, her growth, her raw authenticity. Katie's blog was the first encounter I had with her after my cousin Matt told me about this amazing girl he had met in the airport, and as I read her heart through her blog, I knew this sweet-hearted young woman was well worth his pursuit.

This evening as I skimmed down the list of Katie's old posts to see if there were any I had missed in the past few months, a post from January caught my eye. As I read further my heart welled and tears streamed down my face. Through Katie's journey after college back to Santa Rosa, I see parallels of my current season. I'm so thankful to have such a dear friend who can speak into the pain, the longings, and the fears that my heart encounters during this season. Her gentle, authentic words give me hope, they give me peace, and such great encouragement about the love of our Father. Here are her beautiful words if you'd like to read them for yourself: Seasons of Life. 

I feel like if there's one thing I've truly been learning lately, its a deeper understanding of the heart of Jesus. God keeps bringing me back to this topic. His heart for me. His love, His joy in giving me unexpected pleasures, how He loves to surprise me in lavishing love on me in ways I never would have imagined. I am continually blessed beyond what I could ever deserve. But I guess that's the amazing thing about Grace. God's love and blessing and grace have poured upon me and I cannot deny His heart is for me. I cannot deny His faithfulness, His promises to me, His love for me, His closeness and joy of being with me. He wants better for me than I want for myself.

Yet, as I read Katie's blog I realized that even as I see such outpourings of love, I don't fully believe it. I can't fully grasp that Jesus truly has it all together. I don't fully believe that He loves me just that much.. that His plans for my life aren't just dreams, but they are realities waiting for perfect timing. And so, despite my doubts, I choose to dwell in the truth my head knows, and trust that, in time, they will make it fully and deeply to my heart. Jesus is my Good Father, gentle and tender and deeply invested in me. In my heart. In my dreams. In my longings and ambitions. My thoughts are important to Him. My cares, my pain, my tears, and crazy emotions are not only put up with, but valued and beloved. They are held and responded to with great care and gentleness...

I feel I am just glimpsing the beginning of a truth that runs so much deeper than I can imagine,.. yet to grow in knowledge of the deep love of my Father, I can't imagine a more beautiful journey.

The Beauty in Isaiah 40

Sometimes it amazes me how God speaks to me through the Bible. Ya, the Bible's supposed to be living and active, but to speak so directly to my heart about exactly what I'm dealing with... that continues to shock me.

This evening, everything became simply "too much." Too much mess in my room, too much disorganized chaos in my brain, forgotten assignments, a receipt I threw away that I should have kept, lost money, pain in my poor, sore body, nose and head full of congestion, overall exhaustion... too much.

That feeling of everything being "too much," and me being the failure through it all creates within me strong emotional reactions. I being to feel I can never do anything right, I wonder again why I live here- I don't want to be here; yet, I don't want to be anywhere else since I know God has me here... but still, I'm discontented. Gosh. too much emotion. basically, all these feelings led to an overall sense of frustration, sadness, and tears.

I'm reading through Isaiah and tonight I got to chapter 40. Wow God, talk about speaking directly to my heart. The entire chapter, all 31 verses, were exactly what I needed to hear. I feel that the first 10 verses reflect the calling God has for me here in Chico, to "life up your voice with a shout, lift it up and do not be afraid" ... to "comfort [His] people," and allow His glory to be revealed.
Glorious purpose.

The next section, verses 11- 31, directly confronted me about the overwhelmed and frustrated state of my heart. Where do I place my trust? Where is my security? Why do I forget the power and the love of my God? Read this slowly, let it sink in. Each word a treasure...

"'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. 

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? 

He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls each by name. 

Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. 

Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, 

'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'? 

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint" 

(Isaiah 40:25-31).

So powerful. I get so wrapped up in my own concerns, my own failings, my own life, and I think I have to make it all better. I have to deal with my problems. The messes I have created, I must fix.

But that's so not true. I'm not God. I don't need to wrestle with what Jesus came to carry. He has told us that we who are weary and burdened can come to Him and find deep rest. I know that God cares about me despite my failings; He is good to me through my messiness. He is greater than my mistakes, and nothing happens outside of His knowledge. Not one star falls without Him allowing it to do so. I am not bigger than God, He has been showing me so faithfully over the past years how much He desires me, will I choose now not to trust Him?
Remember His faithfulness.
Trust His goodness.

I find it beautiful that verse 30 says "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall." It says that the ones who should be the most fit, the most able to endure and make it through without messing up, they still mess up, they still fall. And yet, it says that God is full of understanding that we cannot comprehend. He gives us strength we shouldn't have, and because of His incredible love, He gives it freely, joyously, abundantly. Such love.

It says we will soar. I love this word. Various definitions of this word say: "fly or rise high in the air. to climb powerfully. maintain height in the air without flapping wings or using engine power. increase rapidly above the usual level" (free dictionary and mac dictionary). Not only will we be given enough strength to get through, but as we hope in the Lord, we will be able to do more than expected without being drained or overwhelmed. We will rise high on fresh strength.

I choose to trust in my Rock, my Jesus. As the waves of my emotions ebb and flow, I will allow Him to be my constant. He knows me. He is not daunted by my emotions, He knows the depths of my heart and continues to say "you're worth it." Therefore, I trust His goodness, His love. He is worth trusting and the fickleness of my emotions will not overwhelm me. "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth." He is bigger, He is stronger, He is good. So good. 

Another Step Along the Way

"Rest in God and let Him do the rest" -bill johnson.

I get so easily anxious. wanting friends: now, community: now, security and "home:" now.
I forget these take time.
Patience. Trust.

I have seen God's faithfulness throughout my life. I know He provides. I know His timing, His gifts, they are good. Will I daily trust Him in this season?

Just last week I realized I hadn't asked God for specific needs/desires concerning my life here in Chico.. and remembering how faithful God has been to the specific prayers I've prayed in each move I've made in the past few years- I boldly asked for the longings of my heart. I prayed for friends- specific qualities of a variety of friendships, mentors, diverse communities... and even within this short week, I have seen God's hand at work in those prayers.

Faithfulness.

And suddenly there's too much! Too many activities, too many people, and it all becomes overwhelming. Slow down, be, rest, enjoy. This process is supposed to be fun.
Process.
Yes, the process takes time. Deep, fulfilling friendships takes time. I grow anxious again, my heart yearning for the friends who know me, for the lifestyle that's comfortable, a place of belonging.

To belong.
That's what I long for.
And God whispers in my heart over and over "trust my goodness, wait in me. will you trust how much I love you?"

Rest.
Rest. He's got it. He's got a good plan. A joyous adventure ahead.
The days of excitement and anticipation, the moments of heartache, and the longing to be known... they're real. That's my life right now.

Yet, in the pain, I will not live defeated. Yes, I hurt and my heart still misses the comfort of the past, but I trust. I choose to trust. I choose to not worry about how it will work out. I choose to rest in the love of my Jesus. His comfort and kindness in this season have pulled me closer to Himself in a way I have never known before.
This is truly a growing season.
A season of finding my God in a new way. Learning to lean in, to be fully satisfied and sustained in His love. To rejoice and live abundant in the hope I have in this place.
Rejoicing that my time in Chico is purposeful, is important. I have been equipped to meet this season head on, I am well prepared, I have not been abandoned. I am rooted and established.
I am being grown here. and I am grateful. I am blessed.
So very blessed.

I choose courage, I choose peace. I choose to remember who I am- cherished daughter of the King, and rest in the shelter of His love.
Rest in His goodness.
Rest in His strength.
Rest.

finding truth

I have a dear friend who asks me the right questions, the provoking questions, the questions that challenge me to seek truth, and not just sit contently in the confusion of my emotions. The other day I was, once again, overwhelmed with everything new and different around me. I wanted security, I wanted friends here with me, I wanted normalcy- now. I began to feel that God was being unfair. He knows I dislike change and that it's super hard for me, and yet, he gives it to me anyway. I felt unloved and far from cherished. I felt abandoned, here to figure it out on my own. When I mentioned these feelings to my friend, his response was simply "What did He (God) say to you about it?"

What? Ask God what His response to my feelings, my accusations was? Unthinkable, yet profoundly the correct response I should have taken in the first place.

So I did. I told God honestly how I felt, expressed the hurt, the unrealistic accusations, and the truth that was my heart. And then I asked Him what He thought about it all... The response was beautiful, nothing necessarily profound or extravagant, but meaningful to me. I felt God revealing to me that this season is important, that it will grow me in ways that are crucial for the seasons that come later, for the places I will go, the things I take part in, I need this season. The story of Joseph from the Old Testament came to mind. Joseph's story has always been near and dear to my heart, and I thought it was special that Jesus brought it to my mind. Throughout his life, Joseph went through many transitions, many of which he did not choose, many were unfair and hard. But God used them, and through them, God molded Joseph's character into the man that would influence nations and save lives. God had big plans for Joseph, but a process was needed to get him to where he needed to be.

I have always respected Joseph's devotion to the Lord through his personal hard times. As far as I know, he lived well along the journey. He had no idea that amazing plans were ahead of him, but he trusted God, remained faithful, and honored Him in each situation he was placed in. Joseph was able to look back through all the seasons of his life, from his childhood dreams, to undeserved favor in job situations, promotions, and places of honor, and in each, he could see God's faithfulness and provision. He had hope in the Lord's good plan.

I want to be like this. I want to live fully, live well, and live in a way that's honoring to my God in each season.

Just this morning I was falling back into the abyss of my fear- how will I find parking for classes, will the classes be overwhelming, will I live in bitterness and never make friends, how will I find a job that fits my schedule, is it possible to find a church that I can connect with and find the community I long for... in my heart the lies resound- no. you will fail. you will never enjoy your life here like you enjoyed the seasons before this. just sit in self pity, it's a comfortable, safe place to be. the unknown is unsafe, you don't want to go there, you don't want to risk it. 


Lies. All of them. And so I decided I needed to stop listening to the lies and begin listening to the truth. The truth is that I've been here before, I have pursued through all these fears before, and I know what's real. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, just as Joseph could. I know how God has provided before, in abundant blessings I never could have imagined. I see how the seasons have grown, changed, and taught me, and I see glimpses of God's purpose for my life along the way. The journey is not in vain. The struggle is not too much.

As I began to ask God to calm my heart, the words from a recent blog post I read came to mind. It talked about the heart of the Father and how He is "always at peace, always joyful, always loving, always living life to the fullest. God is the "I AM." He is the ever resting one..."-Karsten. These words prompted my heart to continue declaring the truth of God's power and control, His sovereignty and peace. "Nothing is too big, overwhelming, or scary for You. This situation in my life isn't too much for you. Your heart is at rest. You take joy in where I'm at and all that's in store. You have it all in Your hands. I have no idea what's to come, but You do and it doesn't bother you in the slightest because You know I need this season, that it's important, that it's good. You know I will come through it more refined and more beautiful. You're excited, not daunted. Thank you that your strength is enough. That you give hope to the helpless and strength to the weary. Thank you that your burden is light and that as I give you my fears and my tears, I am able to receive your peace, your grace, your comfort and wonderful love. Thank you for Your hope." 


I've been learning that the best way to grow in relationships is to engage in honest and open communication. As I look at my own feelings and don't just let the stresses, the lies, and the emotions overwhelm and consume me, but openly express them to my Father, I get the answers, the comfort, and the love that I'm longing for. He's here, He cares, and I need to remember to stop being to stubbornly self absorbed, and freely cling to His loving embrace.

learning to be a friend

It's times like this when I feel like a horrible friend. I look back and see the friend I should of been, the friend I now need for myself. I've been impatient with dear friends in times when all they needed was a loving heart to simply be there for them. I haven't said this out loud, on the contrary, I've been that patient, kind friend on the outside, but inside, I want them to hurry up. "Stop whining," "be more flexible," "learn to adjust," "see where you're messing up and fix it, soon." I have become impatient with those who long for someone to wait with them as they process life, to love them in times when we seem unlovely, or merely need someone to believe in them.

But now, I'm the complaining, hurting, struggling, unlovely one, and I see how wrong my heart has been. I see now the love and grace my friends needed. I see how unkind and unhelpful my thoughts have been. In this journey of life, as we grow, struggle, hurt, and succeed, we're all looking for a little love. We long for people to stand by us in our good, our bad, and our ugly times. We need people to give us a hug, a bit of encouragement, or the space allowing us to be fully present in each season of life. We need people to let us know that where we are is ok, that the hurt is ok, that the feelings are real (even if they're not completely true), that we are still loved, and that the season will not last forever.

We don't always see it when we're in it, but the seasons of life, whether joyful or hard, they grow us, especially the hard ones. Through them, we are able to see where God has been faithful, where we have grown in our faith, in trust. We see that we are fragile and need the strength of a loving, gentile, and good Father.

Growing in a better understanding of how I should love those around me, and how I want to be loved, parallels what I'm learning about how God loves me. He loves me in my weakness. He lets me feel my hurt, and loves me knowing there is growth to come, but He never pushes me. He is gentle and kind, always full of grace and generous in love. This is how I want to live, the kind of friend I want to be. Gracious, compassionate, patient, able to fully and deeply love.