learning to be a friend

It's times like this when I feel like a horrible friend. I look back and see the friend I should of been, the friend I now need for myself. I've been impatient with dear friends in times when all they needed was a loving heart to simply be there for them. I haven't said this out loud, on the contrary, I've been that patient, kind friend on the outside, but inside, I want them to hurry up. "Stop whining," "be more flexible," "learn to adjust," "see where you're messing up and fix it, soon." I have become impatient with those who long for someone to wait with them as they process life, to love them in times when we seem unlovely, or merely need someone to believe in them.

But now, I'm the complaining, hurting, struggling, unlovely one, and I see how wrong my heart has been. I see now the love and grace my friends needed. I see how unkind and unhelpful my thoughts have been. In this journey of life, as we grow, struggle, hurt, and succeed, we're all looking for a little love. We long for people to stand by us in our good, our bad, and our ugly times. We need people to give us a hug, a bit of encouragement, or the space allowing us to be fully present in each season of life. We need people to let us know that where we are is ok, that the hurt is ok, that the feelings are real (even if they're not completely true), that we are still loved, and that the season will not last forever.

We don't always see it when we're in it, but the seasons of life, whether joyful or hard, they grow us, especially the hard ones. Through them, we are able to see where God has been faithful, where we have grown in our faith, in trust. We see that we are fragile and need the strength of a loving, gentile, and good Father.

Growing in a better understanding of how I should love those around me, and how I want to be loved, parallels what I'm learning about how God loves me. He loves me in my weakness. He lets me feel my hurt, and loves me knowing there is growth to come, but He never pushes me. He is gentle and kind, always full of grace and generous in love. This is how I want to live, the kind of friend I want to be. Gracious, compassionate, patient, able to fully and deeply love.

Loved

This song has meant a lot to me lately...

His Grace

This morning I found myself stifled by the frustration of the season I find myself in. I want purpose and activity so that I can move on, and not have to deal with my heart. Yet, once again, I find myself struggling in a place of learning to just be.

I needed an outlet, so I decided the best way to handle my discontented thoughts was to take a long walk. As I explored the winding roads around the neighborhood I now live in, I began to try to express my heart, my hurt, and my sorrow to God. I love walking and talking. It's a great combination.

I told Him I'm tired of change, and even though I know He is faithful, I don't want to go through the effort of moving to a new place and meeting new people again. I don't feel excited for this process, even though, deep down, I know it will be a good season. I don't feel at peace and content like I know I could/should when I consider the truth of God's faithfulness. I know where I should be at emotionally- fully dependent, at peace, and thankful for where God has me, but my heart isn't fully there yet. I'm sad. I'm tired of the process.

I began telling God this during my walk, and the words of Paul came to mind as he said: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation... I can do all this through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13 italics are mine). The repetition of "learned" stuck out to my heart. Paul indicates that the process of becoming content with where the Lord has placed him is a learning process, it doesn't just happen overnight. There's hope for me yet. And he concludes his statement saying that this learning to be content happens because God gives him the strength. He doesn't conjure the feelings alone, but God supplies him with what he needs.

As I was pondering this, more of Paul's words came to mind, because he too struggled, at times, with where God had Him. During one such time, Paul says that God told him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul goes on to say that because he can trust what the Lord says to be true, he can then "delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10). I'm not sure yet that I can fully align my heart with Paul's, for I don't feel like I want to delight in the hardships of moving and the weakness of my heart. And yet, I know he is right. I know that as I take my eyes off my hurt and look towards God, my attitude changes. As I look at His blessings surrounding me, my heart becomes more content in how God is taking care of me, and loving me.

I began speaking to God about these verses and telling Him what I felt I needed right now from life. I told Him I need encouragement. I've realized over the years, that I become more encouraged as I praise and thank God, so I began to count the blessing around me, right here, right now. Winding roads, the gorgeous view of the valley below me, warm sunshine, deer, tall trees and that there are so many of them... and what do you know, but a few minutes into this process my phone started to ring. "Blocked" was what it read and I almost didn't answer, but when I did, I started to cry. The call was from a dear friend from high school. She lives in Scotland and we haven't seen each other or properly talked in almost 3 years. My heart ached with blessing at the sound of her voice. God truly gave me the encouragement I had asked for. I'm always amazed at how He continually shows me His love in such beautiful ways.

Though I still hurt, and change is still hard, I'm encouraged. I'm blessed. I know that I'm deeply loved and not abandoned. God always shows Himself to be so gracious, so kind, so faithful... "therefore, [I] do not lose heart" (2 Corinthians 4:16).

an unexpected semester

For any of you who may be wondering where I've been the last few months, and what the next bend in my journey has in store.. here's a little update. 

Some of you may know that I transferred to William Jessup University for the final semester of my BA degree in English. (You can find the details concerning my move to Jessup in a post I wrote back in August, its called "God's Faithfulness and Blessings.")

The move was filled with mixed emotions. Excitement in the unknown of a new place and all that God could do through the transition. Yet, my excitement was combined with sadness and fear, as I was moving away from dear friends and family in San Jose, and “starting over” once again. It was also sad to think of the brevity of the semester, because after making friends, finding community, and enjoying this season of life, it would be just that, a season, and then I’d move away again. It’s become a wonderfully blessed, but hard routine. 

Even though my adventure at Jessup wasn’t primarily because of my own choosing, I’m so thankful for all I’ve come away with. The semester changed me and challenged me to grow in ways I probably wouldn’t have if I had stayed in San Jose. As I reflect back on the semester, I see such blessing. God truly has been so good to me.

The academic courses I was able to take were fantastic. I loved my studies, and the depth I found within my upper division courses. Throughout the semester I’ve been challenged, but in the most fulfilling kind of way, and it’s led me to gain more knowledge and passion for the subject matters I love.

I feel that the Lord brought me to Jessup not only for academic reasons, but also to teach me more about Himself in a special way. Over the past year I’ve met several “charismatic” Christians and had to consider their understanding of God in ways I never had to before. It’s been a fun journey of looking at the Bible, and things I’ve been taught, and try to understand God’s heart through it all. As I’ve thought about what themes I have found within this semester, I would say “freedom” and “rest” as I learn to just “be” who I am in the presence of God.  

I have been learning to enjoy God more freely, understanding that my creativity, the way I love to dance, my heart, and how I see and respond to God are beautiful. I’m learning to be loved and, in return, how to love better. I’ve found that so often, I try so hard. I want to be the “good” Christian girl, who grows, and learns, and wants to respond to the grace and love I know God has given me... and yet there are times that I feel that I’m forcing feelings. I’m doing the right thing because I “should,” not because I want to, sometimes. I’ve been learning to be open to what I’m truly feeling and communicate with God about it. Not just say what I should say, but say what’s on my heart. Dare to say the things that “aren’t Christian,” but are what I feel. It’s been so freeing to understand more fully that God already knows the depths of me, so why not just be honest with myself, and actually BE where I am, and deal with it, and learn through it. God’s not afraid of what I feel, so why should I be so mortified by seemingly “unChristian” emotions? It’s been such a relief to be able to feel what I’m feeling and know that God is happy to meet me there. When I’m not afraid of where I’m at, I’m able to enjoy the process a whole lot more, and enjoy God a whole lot more. 

As I reflect over the year 2011, I see the past paragraph expound on a much larger scale. I see how God has been wooing me. How He has been pursuing me, drawing me towards Himself, and teaching me how to enjoy Him. I don’t have to “work” at it, I just get to “be” with Him, honestly, openly, and fully. It’s a wonderful journey. God is so kind. 

My perception of people has also changed. I’ve grown more able to see the amazing potential within each person. From the beautiful and popular, to the awkward and unconfident, these are the people Jesus loves. Each one is a person Jesus came to redeem, to live in, to awaken, to enjoy, and to love. Realizing this more deeply has given me a desire to love and see people the way Jesus does. How awesome is it to realize that each person has an amazing destiny ahead of them? And sometimes, people just need a little love and encouragement to help them see how amazing they are, how worth being around, how important and valuable their thoughts and desires are, and that who they are is wonderful. 

God has given me so many blessings throughout this past semester.

And yet, leaving Jessup was just as hard as any move has been. I know that in this next stage of life God will be just as faithful, but I’m still weak, and I still forget. 

If you’re wondering what I’m doing now that I’ve finally finished my English degree... I’m continuing with school. I’ll be attending CSU Chico starting the middle of January, working towards my Single Subject Teaching Credential. This credential will allow me to teach high school English. I’ll be living with my parents for a while (they recently bought a house in Paradise, the town next to Chico) until I am able to move into town. Though I struggle with feeling like I’m taking advantage of my parents’ hospitality, and that I should be making my own way in the world, I try to remember this is only a season. I also try to remember the blessing it is to have them near, when, for many years, we were so far apart. so many blessings. 

Though I’m unsure, as we all are, of what lies ahead in this next season, I’m excited to see what God has in store. He has been faithful before, and that keeps me strong through the changes. 

Growing in Joy

Did you know I used to really struggle with "joy?"

it's true. I never felt like I could just be happy, be excited about a beautiful day, be content to be alive and experience Jesus in whatever the day brought my way. Even on days when I wanted to be happy, I never felt like I could. I felt like my attitude, once determined by my morning grumpiness, was doomed for the rest of the day- I couldn't change.

Throughout my walk with Jesus I struggled with this as well- I would read parts of the Bible that talked about joy, and how experiencing Jesus gives us joy. I felt so helpless, that I couldn't truly be a Christian because I couldn't experience true joy. Sure, I got excited, but it was primarily centered around how many friends I got to spend time with in a day- they were my happiness meter.

I was thinking back over this yesterday evening as I talked with a friend, and I realized how very far God has brought me. I have never experienced such joy and fullness in my heart as I do now. Jesus has grown in me a new attitude for my family- a love, kindness, and grace I never had before. Even in the ordinary days I know I can find my Jesus there.

During my first year of college, as I struggled with my longing for joy, my roommate challenged me to journal and write at least one thing that I was thankful for everyday. It was exciting to see the change this formed in me. Even the little things could be blessings...

I also read a book during this time called The Life You Always Wanted by John Ortberg. Chapter 4, called "Dee-Dah-Day," impacted my heart in a powerful way. He talks about practicing the discipline of doing something everyday which brings life to your heart.

In my life this would look like: taking a walk, sitting in the sun, having a cup of tea, wearing an outfit I feel especially pretty in, taking time to do my hair, having a sweet treat (especially a home made chocolate chip or macadamia nut cookie), talking with a good friend, journaling at a favorite coffee shop, buying a bunch of pretty flowers... you get the idea...

I've learned that taking time to enjoy the things that bring life to my spirit, allow me to see Jesus in the things that I love. Each one of them is a precious gift from Him- we enjoy them together.

My joy grew drastically in the summer of 2008. Close friends of mine in Kenya gave me the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and I was reading it on my way back from Thailand, sitting in the Qatar airport. Suddenly, the love of God made sense, the cross made sense, Jesus made sense. I finally got it- God loves me, and Jesus was the ultimate way that He could show me that love, and now I get to enjoy deep relationship with God because of Jesus' sacrifice. It was such a great morning. I was alone in a sea of Arab men and women who couldn't understand what I was experiencing, and yet finding it extremely hard to contain my emotions at that moment. All I wanted to do was dance and sing and tell them all about this amazing revelation I just had.

The more I learn about the deep love God has for me and His beautiful character, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more joy I find. Even when my car breaks down, even when another move is on the horizon, even when I'm not certain about what's next, I know my Jesus has me. I know He is faithful, I know He is good, I know He is loving. My heart is so blessed, and yet I know that the more our relationship grows, it will only get better from here.

beauty from ashes

The other evening I decided to "stay in" instead of going to a prayer time at school, and I'm so glad I did. I randomly ran into a friend I knew from Bethany University and got to talk with him about where he is now and how the adjustment has been for him. He expressed to me how he was still grieving over what he had lost. The joy and safety and spiritual guidance he had felt at Bethany had become a void within him.

My heart hurt for his loss. I never felt very attached to Bethany, but in my life I have felt these same feelings. I have hurt the way I saw him hurting. I have lost a "home," friendships, security, and purpose of a place I loved dearly. I know what it is to grieve over a loss such as this.

As he expressed his hurts, my heart welled with words to share with him, they are words I have learned and applied to myself over the years. They are truths God has taught me through all the changes I have faced. What a blessing to know that my story is not in vain, that God can and is using it to encourage and strengthen others. What a joy to know that the pain I once felt, which has been turned to joy and blessing, can be of use to others.

I left the conversation joyful and encouraged. I knew exactly why I was supposed to "stay in" that night. I knew that God used me through my story to love on one of His children. What a blessing to partner with my Father in such a beautiful way.

God's Faithfulness and Blessings

   Almost 2 months ago I learned that the university I had been attending (Bethany University) decided it must close its doors for good. I literally laughed out loud when I found out (in a sarcastic kind of way) and told God this was "very funny." The following weeks and even months have consisted of the myriad of emotions that accompany filling out applications and beginning this transition process.

   Since arriving in San Jose, about two and a half years ago, I knew that I would not be there permanently. I was planning to leave next year, on my time... However, as I have come to see over and over again throughout my life, God has other plans.

   It has been so encouraging to see God's hand at work in this crazy situation, and within the details of my move to William Jessup University, for so many reasons:

• The whole situation is SO ridiculous, and completely not normal, that I am convinced God has bigger and better plans for me at Jessup than I ever could have created on my own.

• God has changed my heart about moving, reajusting, and making new friends- in the past, my heart has often been bitter and closed off to new situations. Yet, I'm encouraged to remember that God has given me such a blessing of friends and community in San Jose; I know He will provide again.

• Most transfers are required to complete at least a year of classes at their final university before being allowed to graduate. Jessup is letting me graduate in one semester, as I had originally planned at Bethany (this Dec '11). They have helped me obtain the classes I need in order to finish my degree- though I know it has created hardships for their faculty. 

• Surprise! This next semester I will be living in a hotel- What?! I'm living in a suite with 3 other women (4 of us total), with free access to pool, hottub, gym, (free!) laundry, outdoor patio, indoor lounge , complementary breakfasts, and 3 dinners a week- I don't know what to make of all these amazingly fun blessings that I had no idea would be waiting for me!  

• Jessup has decided to give me a grant for no other reason than kindness. Their generosity is a huge blessing.  

• Earlier in the summer, I was overcome by the unrealistic fear of being forgotten. I feared I hadn't made a difference and that my move would simply evaporate any memory anyone had of me during these past two and a half years in San Jose. Yet, since that time, I have been overwhelmed with love. Friends have told stories of our times together, encouraged my heart in the role I have played in our community, expressed their excitement for the changes ahead, and most of all, have prayed for me. I can't tell you how much this has meant to me. My heart is more than encouraged- I am deeply and fully blessed.