Purpose, People, Dreams, and Travel

  I headed to Bidwell Park this evening for a lovely, much needed, long walk. The music set I wanted to listen to wasn't working and I didn't feel in the mood to start my weekly sermon from Bethel Church quite yet, so I just walked in silence. My mind was uneasy, aimless, in a way. I walked and began chatting with God about it. The future has been on my mind lately, in that, I've felt concerned about my lack of direction for various goals in life. Some of my desires remain unwavering, yet others seem foggy where they used to be so clear.

Bidwell Park, Chico

  As I was mulling over this potential 'life crisis,' it occurred to me that this was silly. I have no need to know exactly what's next, what's down the road 10 years from now, 5 years from now, or even 2 years from now. All I really need to focus on right now, is right now. And I know that- my credential. I have the next 7 months figured out (more or less). I was challenged to stop thinking so much about the far out future, and think about this summer and the time I have right now. What will I do with it, what is my purpose? What do I want from life? and then... what does that actually look like..? It's ok that I don't fully know. It's actually fun that I don't. Life's way less intense than I usually try to make it...

  God and I chatted about my love of people and planning parties, of making good food to share with others, and making people feel welcomed and loved... We chatted about my longing to love, mend, and do life with the hurting hearts, especially women's hearts here in Chico. I'd love to go and help women overseas maybe someday, but today I was challenged by what that actually looks like right here, right now. "How do I find the people who need love, who need a friend?" My final conclusion was that ultimately, God would have to point them out and make it clear- who and where.

  The thinking time had been wonderful, but I was then ready for a change and plugged my ears into a sermon from last Sunday. It always amazes me how sermons can so blatantly speak to what I'm currently pondering in life, and this one hit so many nails on the head it was crazy. The man spoke about how God uses every season of our lives, waisting nothing. He used examples of Moses and Esther and how every aspect of their lives were used with strategic purpose. That we are where we are for "such a time as this" with the wisdom to act. There was so much more, but those were various points that stand out at the moment.

  As the sermon was winding down I walked past a woman who asked about the cars driving on the path. Her question clearly indicated that she was not from Chico, and I briefly explained how cars were allowed in this section of the park. I continued walking on, but as soon as I did, I knew I should have slowed down and talked with her longer. Maybe it was the fact that she was new to town, maybe it was her eagerness to chat, whatever it was, I still didn't turn around. By that time, evening was creeping in and I was getting hungry. I also wanted to finish the sermon, and besides, by now she was a far ways behind me. (Gotta love those rationalization skills). As I got into my car to leave, I noticed the woman had made her way out of the trail and was headed down to the grass by the river. Nope, I was not about to walk down there.

  I drove out of the park gate rationalizing that it didn't really matter anyway, and she would probably think it strange if I walked over to talk with her. Usually I love talking with people, but I was so not interested in looking silly by backtracking, and admitting to myself, that I should have stayed and talked with her in the first place. Well, needless to say, my pride lost, and I stopped the car. I walked over and greeted the lady, asked if she was new to town, and yes, she definitely was. We chatted about her move, her family around the area, her amazing trips around the world (at first mention of traveling, I was instantly captivated), ethnic foods (she has great taste ;)), as well as aspects of my own life and places I've lived and traveled to. Thanks to her stories, pictures, and helpful information, I'm completely set for a trip to the Philippines. This woman and I, this complete stranger, was able to connect with my heart about passions that I haven't spoken of in years. How fun that even though I felt like I was coming to encourage her, I found that she encouraged me, and was equally excited about our conversation.

Krabi, Thailand

  It makes me chuckle how all the topics and themes of the evening wove so beautifully together. Purpose, people, dreams, travel... This evening I made a new friend, a friend I can't wait to get to know better. It's funny that when I stop trying to plan my life out, things happen. When my heart's open and available, God inevitably uses those times in such fun ways. People appear and blessings just fall from the sky. I can't wait to see all that's in store for this summer filled with abounding 'free time.' :)

When I know how loved I am...

  I want a full life. I want to go, I want to dream, not just dream, but DREAM so that my heart is overwhelmed by the implications. I want to leave the timid behind. I want a wild, a passionate, a FULL life. I want to love deeply, to impact a nation, to restore hope to those who feel empty, bring joy for the hurting, unveil the beauty in those who don't believe they have any... to meet the needs. to love. to really, really love. To love in a way that people are changed because they see the value they have, they see how beautiful, how precious, how wanted, how desired they are, Jesus' immeasurable love for them.

  I want a life that's larger than life. I want to be so sure of my authority as one loved by God that it changes everything: the way I see myself, the way I see others, the way I treat my resources, my time, my desires. That everything in my heart would fall into order because it knows whom I belong to and how Good the one who loves me truly is.

  I feel like my life is going to be so much bigger than I can even imagine right now. I know there is so much ahead of me. My heart burns for it, yearns for it. I can't wait for what's ahead. Yet, in the now, I have so much right here, in this beautiful season, this beautiful Chico... I love learning more deeply who I am, what I love, who I am created to be, the space I was created to fill.

  I growing to see that I have a message. Thoughts and words, ideas, that bubble up in my heart to give away- even just a short conversation, a simple encouragement, a random thought that comes to mind for someone.. I have words, they are important, Jesus speaks in me, to me, I know Him, I love Him- Speak! let his love pour out on others who long to be loved.. I want to live with such disregard for the reactions of people and a single-minded gaze on the One who speaks Truth and Love, the one who loves me. In the words of dear Mother Teresa "The world today is hungry not only for bread but hungry for love; hungry to be wanted, to be loved. They're hungry to feel that presence of Christ." I want to know His love so deeply, to live in such awe of my creator, so overflowing with the knowledge his presence and goodness, that His love can't help put leak out everywhere I go. I want to be consumed with that love.

  I'm also learning that I love to pray.. to continually remember that I'm able to share my heart with the Lord and that He shares is heart with me. I love the beauty of what it means to be in the presence of the One who loves us, the boldness we have to pray, the wisdom He gives us to pray, the coming before him and letting it all out- everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and still being closer than ever to our God. I love the promptings in my heart to call out truth when discouragements, doubt, and burdens that I wasn't created to carry crowed my view. Bringing these things on my heart out of a silence that feels so "real" and replacing them with the power of the Truth of the Kingdom, it changes things, it changes me, my mood, my attitude, my joy. "We are atmosphere changers" my friend stated the other evening. We are. We have the power, the wisdom, the authority to join with the Father's heart and speak the atmosphere of the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else must go. Fear, doubt, worry, confusion, lust, anxiety, sickness,.. they have no place here.

  Mostly, I'm realizing that my heart longs to love. I was created to love, to love deeply. I've been given a tender heart which longs to hold the hurting, to show those who don't believe in themselves how amazing, beautiful, and lovely they truly are. I want to have the resources to give to those who need it, to equip them to become the strong men and women they were created to be. I want to love people. I want to know how loved I am that I can't help but love, truly love. I don't love near as well as I long to, but the one who IS Love lives in me, and He is the best teacher. And I truly believe that loving well is something that changes as I come into a greater understanding of the reality of my God.

  How can I be selfish and hurtful if I truly knew how generous and kind, how compassionate and loving God is? How could I be judgmental if I truly understood God's heart of mercy and grace? How could I be stingy and so completely self-centered when I grasped how self-less and Good God is? How can I live so rushed and worried about time when I recognize that He rules over time, He created it, it's belongs to Him. And so do I.

  At one point in the Bible (Luke 11:5-13), Jesus is talking to a group of people about how little they understand the Goodness of the Father. He says basically that even human beings, who know so little of what it means to love well, know how to give good gifts to their children and friends when they ask. Our heavenly Father, the epitome of Love itself, He gives and gives and gives, generously to ALL, we just have to ask. So I ask to know my God more, to know- to intimately know- to be so intertwined in Him, that it effects me completely.. cause THAT, I believe, will change everything.

  Oh life. What a beautiful life I've been given. Precious people, perfect timing, treasured gifts.. I truly am blessed. Looking back, seeing all that God's done- His extreme faithfulness and amazing blessings- they empower me to believe for even more. He's shown me how Good he is, and since I know He doesn't change, I'm so excited to see more. Who knows what glory lies ahead. it's always an adventure.

Royalty

I wrote this about a year ago... I didn't feel it was 'finished' enough to publish it... but as i'm looking back through older pasts i've written, i realize that I don't totally agree with everything I wrote then. My world, my ideas, the way i interpret and understand God and the world around me is always changing, growing, evolving. Growing more in Truth, I hope. So it's time this post got out there. I feel there's so much truth in here, I know I need to reread all of this, over and over. Royalty, Heavenly Royalty. I'm the King's beautiful daughter. You are the King's beautiful child, so glorious are you.. enjoy dear ones.
*****
I went for a run tonight, and halfway through, it occurred to me that I was seeing purple flowers everywhere. Purple has been a growing theme for me in the past month or two.. or while.. It's the color of royalty. This is significant to me because I believe that as a Christian, I am royalty. Throughout the New Testament we are told continually that we are "children of God" and "sons of God." I believe these words aren't just cute phrases, but give profound insight into who we truly are in Christ. 

Throughout the run I pondering what it truly means to be royalty. How does the King view us? How does a person of royalty view ones own self?

One thing God has been teaching me is how secure and safe we are in His love. Nothing that happens to me, or nothing that I decide to do, nothing is outside of His grace and the work He has done on the cross for me. Its crazy to me how much God desires to be with me. How much He wants to come near to me, to bless and love me through times in my life when I feel unlovely. It reminds me of a verse I heard recently from Song of Solomon where the beloved says "dark am I, yet lovely" (1:5). I see my failings, yet God sees me as I truly am. He sees me in light of the cross, the blood of His son making me only pure and holy. He sees me as lovely, not as sinful, but as beautiful, clean, worthy, and precious. 

I've been reading through the book of Isaiah for some time now and it continues to amaze me how much God deeply and unashamedly loves His people. He claims the Israelites no matter what, even in times when it would make total sense for them to be destroyed for their wickedness. God pours out mercy and compassionate love. "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would be like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea" (Isaiah 48:17-18). His heart is for us to believe and understand who we are. He teaches us how to live in our royalty, how sons and daughters of the King respond to His overflowing love. His heart for us is to live with the deepest peace as we trust His goodness, for faith and trust in His goodness to be constant in our hearts. The King shows His beloved His faithfulness. "They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts, he made water flow from the rock" (Isaiah 48: 21). He loves us so much He'll defy the norms of how the world "should" work for us. That's how much He loves us. There's nothing He would not do. 

This next part blows my mind. In Isaiah 49, Isaiah tells Israel that even though they are distant and intentionally rebellious against the Lord, He still has a plan for them. He has made them for a beautiful destiny. He knows them intimately, each of them, they are precious to Him and through them He says: "I will display my splendor" (Isaiah 49:3). What?! They never get it right. They always rebel. They even choose to turn away from God, yet God sees who they truly are. He desires "to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel back to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength" (Isaiah 49:5). It doesn't make sense. Why would God love us this much? What does He get out of it? Joy. Somehow He gets the greatest joy out of relationship with His sons and daughters. He wants us to join with His heart, He units us with Himself and allows us to live out the Kingdom of Heaven right where we are. He even promises that "Kings will see you and stand up, princes will see and bow down, because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you" (Isaiah 49:7). So much glory! We are chosen, dearly beloved, honored, royal, and respected children of the most high King.

Therefore, if this is the truth about who we are, if this is how God truly sees and values us, its time we started living in this reality. Its time we take to heart our inheritance, and believe who we really are. I've heard people compare this revelation with the movie The Lion King, where Simba is royalty, but he has chosen to "forget" who he truly is. His father comes to remind Simba the truth of his identity. He was created for a purpose and great destiny, "remember who you are." I think it's a great parallel to who we are in Christ. We have authority and power as co-heirs of Christ (Romans 8:17), Christ died and our old self died with Him on the cross so that we can be done dying. Our old self is dead, we now get to delight in what it means to "share in his glory" (Romans 8:17). We get to reflect the Kingdom of God through our lives. Jesus said in John 14 that "all who have faith in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these... and I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (verses 12-14). Dang. That's big. Do I really believe that? Do I really live believing that my love for the Lord and my identity as His Daughter allows me to have the power of the Lord in my life that will reveal itself in amazing ways? Jesus did some crazy things while He was on earth, but this verse seems to indicate that I get the chance to be a part of even wilder experiences! crazy. This is what we're a part of. 

God has also been showing me that a Daughter of the King is given what she needs. I get to walk through life with full confidence that I am well taken care of. What I need will be provided- it would be unthinkable for a King to give His child to be anything less than the best. I will be protected with people who will comfort me, care for my heart, walk alongside my destiny. I have been created for greatness. As the Daughter of the King I also get a place of authority. I get to speak with the King in a way that is intimate and precious. I get a voice, a chance to be close to my Father, to talk with Him, question Him, hear His heart. I can learn from Him because I am allowed the closeness to see Him move and work and think in ways that others cannot see. I get to understand His heart deeply. I get a relationship. I grow to become like Him. Even if I dislike what He says, if I doubt my true identity, if I do something completely unbecoming for royalty, I cannot be disowned. The truth is that I am royalty, I cannot be made unroyal. I can doubt who I am, but the truth is that I have been bought with a price. This truth should make me ever more eager and excited to grow in the knowledge of who I truly am. I have been given wisdom, love, and the glories of the Kingdom of Heaven, to enjoy and fellowship with the Father in. I get to rest in His banner of never-ending, deep love that He has lavished over me. Rest in His protection. Rest in the joy of the work of the cross. Rest in faith that He is good, He is greater, He is everything I'll ever need, and always faithful. 

There is so much more I will learn about what it means to be Royalty. I have so much to learn about God's heart, so much to learn about His for me. Its a glorious journey. I'm so thankful to be so loved and so deeply blessed. It rocks my world that this is what we're given- Freely! God loves us so much that He just wants to give and give and love and love and all He wants in return is for us to enjoy Him and love Him back. Its such a beautiful gift. The more I grasp it, the more my heart fills with joy and thankfulness. Such grace. Such love.  

"Will you let me hold you?"

  I find myself in a weird stage right now. Over the years I've cultivated and nurtured so many dreams, big dreams, beautiful dreams, and they've fueled me and given me passion for my life.

  Yet, over these past few weeks, maybe months, I've been realizing that I'm not sure I believe in my dreams any more, or even want them. This apathy for the passions I once had concerns me, because, for one, it has effected my mood and ability to cope with life, and two, I'm believing downright lies.

  Some examples? I've been apathetic about school- I don't care. And I do care, I always cared before- grades have always been a huge deal for me, and I usually love school.. yet recently, it takes every ounce of effort to do my homework and even go to class. I cry way too easily. I feel lonely and discouraged with life almost every time I find myself alone... to say the least, it's a discouraging time..

  However, I think I've figured out why I struggle desiring success for this semester. I think I'm afraid that I won't find fulfillment in or be passionate about my ever approaching "teaching dream." I'm afraid all this work and money and time and stress and overwhelming days will be for absolutely no good reason, and I'm sick and tired of trying.

  I've never wanted to give up so badly.

  Yet, as I sit and think about giving up, a tiny (sane) part of my heart reminds me that I know I will enjoy teaching (my past experiences have already shown me glimpses of this..), I will love my students, I will find fulfillment in and be passion about my job... I will.

  but i'm afraid.

  As I poured out my pain to a wise woman in my life, she encouraged me to stand. Just to stand. That sometimes as the waters of chaos rise and the winds of lies roar, you need to stand firm on the promises of Jesus and just praise Him. It's true. It's amazing how worshiping the Lord can change my aching, downcast heart to one of joy and trust.

  A few days ago I was sitting at the park, crying out to Jesus. I expressed how tired I was of never knowing when I'd suddenly feel emotionally ridiculous and completely overwhelmed. I was trying to feel "normal" and have the right perspective of life, but it's not always that simple sometimes... In response to my outpoured heart, I felt like Jesus said to me "You're trying too hard. You always want to make everything perfect and do everything, and you can't, you can't do everything, you need to let go. Let me be the strong one. Let me show my strength in your feelings of weakness. You need to let go and let me hold you, hold the stuff, hold the time... will you let me hold you?" That last part has continued to repeat in my heart "Will you let me hold you?"

  Being still in the arms of one who truly loves, who truly cares. Trusting in His wisdom and love for me, for my life. Finding rest in His goodness, which creates space for praise and worship, which leads to joy. Joy because He is love, and has a good plan. Believing that there is power on my side that is greater than my fears, or doubts, or confusion, or anger, or frustration, or any and all of it.

  Praise the Lord that He is greater.

  I don't fully "feel" amazing about my life all the time, but I'm standing. I'm not giving up, and I'm trying not letting the things around me overwhelm me. I find I must continually choose to trust the goodness, faithfulness, and love that surpasses my understanding to help me through these strange waters I find myself amidst.

living loved

"i'm sorry i'm not handling the stress of this very well."

"why aren't you handling it well?"

"cause i feel like everything's out of my control..."

"haven't you ever felt like that before?"

"ya..."

"have things ever not worked out?"

"no.."

"so, why do you let it stress you out so much if you know that things always work out? You have no reason to doubt God's faithfulness to pull things through for you until something doesn't work out."

  Sometimes my little sister has way more common sense and wisdom than I do...

  Her words really struck my heart and i've been thinking about them a lot over the past few days. I so easily let the little things in my life (and obviously they never feel little at the time...) stress me out way too much. I feel that I need to have everything all figured out and laid in neat little rows where i get to manage and supervise everything. And somehow, nothing ever works out that way... so when things jump out of my hands, will I trust and let life flow as it does, or will i continue to freak out and ruin my life and hurt those around me because things aren't "by the plan?"

  I'm realizing I need to let go. I have my hands so tightly clenched around things that can't even be held. I hate not being "in control" of my life, and yet, when has that ever done me any good? I was definitely not in control of my life when my family moved overseas, nor when my university closed and i had to move unexpectedly, yet, how thankful I am for those events and for how much they have shaped my life. I wouldn't change those, at the time, "catastrophes," for anything.

  I guess it really comes down to how much I trust. Trusting in God's goodness. Trusting in God's wisdom, his sovereignty, his power, his love, his faithfulness.... trust.

  In place of where trust should be, I find fear. Fear that if I don't make things happen or keep the unraveling cords of my life somehow tied together, everything will fall to shreds. And for some reason, this terrifies me. As i've been thinking about this topic of fear in my life, i notice it is a common resident within my heart. I fear a lot. I fear being a failure in my job. I want my coworkers, managers, and guests I serve to like and respect me. I fear rejection. I fear never being pretty enough, confident enough, lovely enough. I fear finances which causes me to dread spending money in a way i'm convinced isn't healthy. I fear all these things that bind me from living freely and being who I truly want to be.

  All this fear does is suffocate my heart and keeps me from truly living in the freedom and love I desire to embody. I hate that I let this lie have such a hold on my life. This fear shows me that I'm not understanding or believing the true reality of God's heart. If I truly understood how God sees me, how much he loves, how he longs to bring good things into my life, why would I let my heart believe I must be in control? When I fear, I don't trust. I don't rest. We weren't created for fear, we weren't created for worry, we were created to live loved.

  Ah. love. again this topic seems to surface. Fear, worry, they seem to stem from a lack of understanding this royal sonship I live in, how I am truly seen in the Father's eyes. The vast wealth of His deep love. I still have so much to learn about how Jesus loves me, yet as I think about His love and these haunting emotions that linger in my heart, the phrase comes to mind: "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). This stirs my heart because I know this Man who loves perfectly. He teaches me. He loves me, He lives in me. Haha! There's hope for this silly girl yet. I love the idea of living without fear, yet somehow, I won't let myself live without it. I find it to be a safety net.. a false, unsatisfying one.

  Perfect love.

  When I truly believe I am loved by the One who loves perfectly, my life changes. My mindset changes. When I believe I'm perfectly loved, I believe I'm wonderfully taken care of. I then realize there's actually nothing to waste my time worrying about. Suddenly my heart becomes empowered to love deeper because I get to bask in love. I get to live confident because there's nothing more to fear. I love that verse that says "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). That's what I want. I want a full life. I want a life where I live fully because I'm fully and deeply and abundantly loved so much more than my heart can even contain. i want my life to spill great love, deep hope, gracious peace, gentle kindness, abundant faithfulness, and every other Godly attribute wherever I go because i'm just too full of the Father's love to embody anything else.

  I want to believe i'm loved in the kind of way that causes a person to change. People in love are different. They are radiant. They are full of beauty you never before noticed, they blossom and more fully envelop the best parts of themselves. They hope, they dream, they believe anything is possible. They become daring, full of life, full of love... I want to live this way. I want to live a life where love overcomes fear, and worry, and doubt. Love. the best kind of love. Perfect love.

the Love of a Father

It's one of those nights where sleep doesn't come easy and my heart is frustrated with all the things that I don't understand. I want to do things right. I want to be content. I want to be fulfilled. I want to love well, live well, bless and be blessed. Yet, I'm frustrated at how "not well" i feel i'm doing everything.

Something brought me to my blog in my sleeplessness and I looked down the list of blogs I follow to my dear friend and now cousin Katie's blog. I always love reading Katie's words. Though them I see her heart. I see her pain, her growth, her raw authenticity. Katie's blog was the first encounter I had with her after my cousin Matt told me about this amazing girl he had met in the airport, and as I read her heart through her blog, I knew this sweet-hearted young woman was well worth his pursuit.

This evening as I skimmed down the list of Katie's old posts to see if there were any I had missed in the past few months, a post from January caught my eye. As I read further my heart welled and tears streamed down my face. Through Katie's journey after college back to Santa Rosa, I see parallels of my current season. I'm so thankful to have such a dear friend who can speak into the pain, the longings, and the fears that my heart encounters during this season. Her gentle, authentic words give me hope, they give me peace, and such great encouragement about the love of our Father. Here are her beautiful words if you'd like to read them for yourself: Seasons of Life. 

I feel like if there's one thing I've truly been learning lately, its a deeper understanding of the heart of Jesus. God keeps bringing me back to this topic. His heart for me. His love, His joy in giving me unexpected pleasures, how He loves to surprise me in lavishing love on me in ways I never would have imagined. I am continually blessed beyond what I could ever deserve. But I guess that's the amazing thing about Grace. God's love and blessing and grace have poured upon me and I cannot deny His heart is for me. I cannot deny His faithfulness, His promises to me, His love for me, His closeness and joy of being with me. He wants better for me than I want for myself.

Yet, as I read Katie's blog I realized that even as I see such outpourings of love, I don't fully believe it. I can't fully grasp that Jesus truly has it all together. I don't fully believe that He loves me just that much.. that His plans for my life aren't just dreams, but they are realities waiting for perfect timing. And so, despite my doubts, I choose to dwell in the truth my head knows, and trust that, in time, they will make it fully and deeply to my heart. Jesus is my Good Father, gentle and tender and deeply invested in me. In my heart. In my dreams. In my longings and ambitions. My thoughts are important to Him. My cares, my pain, my tears, and crazy emotions are not only put up with, but valued and beloved. They are held and responded to with great care and gentleness...

I feel I am just glimpsing the beginning of a truth that runs so much deeper than I can imagine,.. yet to grow in knowledge of the deep love of my Father, I can't imagine a more beautiful journey.

The Beauty in Isaiah 40

Sometimes it amazes me how God speaks to me through the Bible. Ya, the Bible's supposed to be living and active, but to speak so directly to my heart about exactly what I'm dealing with... that continues to shock me.

This evening, everything became simply "too much." Too much mess in my room, too much disorganized chaos in my brain, forgotten assignments, a receipt I threw away that I should have kept, lost money, pain in my poor, sore body, nose and head full of congestion, overall exhaustion... too much.

That feeling of everything being "too much," and me being the failure through it all creates within me strong emotional reactions. I being to feel I can never do anything right, I wonder again why I live here- I don't want to be here; yet, I don't want to be anywhere else since I know God has me here... but still, I'm discontented. Gosh. too much emotion. basically, all these feelings led to an overall sense of frustration, sadness, and tears.

I'm reading through Isaiah and tonight I got to chapter 40. Wow God, talk about speaking directly to my heart. The entire chapter, all 31 verses, were exactly what I needed to hear. I feel that the first 10 verses reflect the calling God has for me here in Chico, to "life up your voice with a shout, lift it up and do not be afraid" ... to "comfort [His] people," and allow His glory to be revealed.
Glorious purpose.

The next section, verses 11- 31, directly confronted me about the overwhelmed and frustrated state of my heart. Where do I place my trust? Where is my security? Why do I forget the power and the love of my God? Read this slowly, let it sink in. Each word a treasure...

"'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. 

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? 

He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls each by name. 

Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. 

Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, 

'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'? 

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint" 

(Isaiah 40:25-31).

So powerful. I get so wrapped up in my own concerns, my own failings, my own life, and I think I have to make it all better. I have to deal with my problems. The messes I have created, I must fix.

But that's so not true. I'm not God. I don't need to wrestle with what Jesus came to carry. He has told us that we who are weary and burdened can come to Him and find deep rest. I know that God cares about me despite my failings; He is good to me through my messiness. He is greater than my mistakes, and nothing happens outside of His knowledge. Not one star falls without Him allowing it to do so. I am not bigger than God, He has been showing me so faithfully over the past years how much He desires me, will I choose now not to trust Him?
Remember His faithfulness.
Trust His goodness.

I find it beautiful that verse 30 says "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall." It says that the ones who should be the most fit, the most able to endure and make it through without messing up, they still mess up, they still fall. And yet, it says that God is full of understanding that we cannot comprehend. He gives us strength we shouldn't have, and because of His incredible love, He gives it freely, joyously, abundantly. Such love.

It says we will soar. I love this word. Various definitions of this word say: "fly or rise high in the air. to climb powerfully. maintain height in the air without flapping wings or using engine power. increase rapidly above the usual level" (free dictionary and mac dictionary). Not only will we be given enough strength to get through, but as we hope in the Lord, we will be able to do more than expected without being drained or overwhelmed. We will rise high on fresh strength.

I choose to trust in my Rock, my Jesus. As the waves of my emotions ebb and flow, I will allow Him to be my constant. He knows me. He is not daunted by my emotions, He knows the depths of my heart and continues to say "you're worth it." Therefore, I trust His goodness, His love. He is worth trusting and the fickleness of my emotions will not overwhelm me. "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth." He is bigger, He is stronger, He is good. So good.