Making a Choice

I have to choose.
I have to choose what I am going to believe- the lies I'm living by, or the truth, hidden by an emotional cloud of hurt and bitterness against God.

Choosing to call out the lies and see them for what they are- a sorry excuse for the emotional state I've been seeing as reality. Choosing to call out the truth of who God is, that He loves me, hears the cries in my heart and frustration in my soul, and is working despite my perceptions.

My soul has been down for much too long and even more frustrating is that I can't completely understand why. I am left only knowing that I feel unhappy, exhausted, and that a nagging whisper continues to impress upon me that there must be more... and yet, why isn't God responding to this longing...

And so, I've let these feelings overwhelm every aspect of my life, my job, my relationships, my spiritual perspective, everything. There's a longing to be Free, to Love and Live- sing, dance, and be- yet these are suppressed by my own pride of emotional discontentment.

Throughout this processes I've gone through confusion- why do I feel this way, everything in my life "looks amazing." I have a great job, the very job I asked Jesus for (yes, it is extremely overwhelming and exhausting most of the time, but my heart still loves it.) I have a wonderful boyfriend with a heart of gold, I have family nearby, I moved back in the city I wanted to live in, I have a great church, community... it all seems like I should be "fine." But I'm not. So obviously, something must be up.

I was remembering what I told Jesus when I found out Bethany University was shutting down and I'd have to leave my beloved San Jose life and move elsewhere. I literally laughed out loud. The situation was ridiculous. And then I said to God, "Well God, what'cha gunna do? You must have a great plan, cause this seems crazy." He did have a great plan. I learned so much through the process of leaving San Jose and can see God's intentional hand throughout that whole part of my journey, leading me to where I am at this moment.

Attitude is amazing. When I was able to take such a hard situation like leaving my beloved friends and family of San Jose, and turn the pain and uncertainty into Hope of what God was about to do- the process was incredible. My heart was secure. I knew my God was Good. I had no doubt He would take care of me throughout the hard process.

Lately I've turned my hurts, aggravations, and present pains into the central focus of my life. My job is hard. I'm learning a lot. It's painful. It can be completely consuming and overwhelming if I'm not careful. And usually, I'm not careful. Everything feels like it matters and that I'm completely alone in trying to figure out how to solve my "problems." Yet, a beautiful realization dawned on me as I was reading Luke 8:14 about seeds getting "...choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature..." I realized I was taking on many of life's worries- struggling and trying and working SO hard, and getting nowhere but pain and frustration. I wrote for myself "Nothing matters besides the Love and Salvation that is mine in Jesus, and therefore, I can live Free because He is my Everything." Simple. Yet, I started laughing as it hit me that all these things that seem SO important (and yes, in their own way they are important, I'm not trying to say that I should be irresponsible or a poor steward of what God has entrusted me with) my worries are to have no hold on my heart and mind, only the Truth of God's Love and Power in my life.

Whether it feels like it or not, Jesus it at work. He has a plan and though life is hard and crazy in my head, the Truth is that, because of Hope I can smile, laugh, and dance despite the unknown, the fear, and the frustration. My Good Father has brought me through so much and only been amazingly faithful and kind. He will not change now. "I am God and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me." Isaiah 46: 8-9 and "Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give nations in exchange for you and peoples in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you." Isaiah 43: 4-5

I choose Hope, and to smile in the face of the unknown, because I have a Good God whom I can fully and completely lean and depend on. I choose to Joyfully Trust my Faithful Father.

 "Oceans" By Hillsong UNITED. Beautiful. Enjoy.

I too, can fail

   I'm failing. A lot. At most everything. Friendships, my job, my emotional wellbeing, my decision making integrity... yup, a whole lot of failure pretty much everywhere you look. 

Two major ideas have been surfacing lately:

1) I have a huge amount of pressure on myself to do things amazingly well, to be the most effective teacher, to make everyone happy with every decision I make, and to live a pretty-much-perfect life.

2) I'm failing. 

My failures:

   My classrooms aren't up to my idea of perfection. I feel like I'm letting my students down because I should be able to handle all the crap, the chaos, and the frustration. I feel I'm letting the Credential Program down because I "should be prepared" for everything "real classrooms" have to throw at me. And also, I feel like I'm letting myself down. Esther. Why can't you do this? Why is this so emotionally hard for you? Why can't you handle it?

   I've been identifying that a good majority of my decisions are made based on how I think other people with emotionally respond to them. "Will I offend them? Will they be mad at me? Will they think I'm a rude or selfish person? If I don't, I'll be letting them down..." I'm SO incredibly wrapped up in other people's opinions and feelings, that I've forgotten the importance of fighting for my own "emotional integrity." 

   Getting out of a relationship, is a sucky process. Not only is there the whole mending the hearth thing and learning to fall into community when you're weak and readjusting to life, but I'm also struggling with the challenge of actually staying in the same town as that person... and not moving away. The process of learning to shift a relationship while still being closely linked in community, church, and life is a rough process. I feel like a very slow learner right now. 

   I'm proud where my heart should be humble, gentle, and ready to listen. I so want to hold on to my imperfections, I'm too weak to not be perfect. I dwell on stupid things that swallow the life out of even the simplest of good. I allow the pressure of life (real or self-created) to squeeze my emotions into a ball until I explode. I fear in situations where a deep part of me wants to live graciously and strongly, and smile boldly at the crap. 

   In general lately, I've been a pretty lame friend, downright horrible at times. I've been dull, exasperated, and even blatantly rude to the people I deeply care about. In long and in short, I'm not myself. And I hate how it's hurting others, as well as my own heart. 

   And so, it seems, I'm failing. 

   I hate failing. I won't do things if I think I will fail. I won't play a sport that I'm not good at. I won't agree to activities if I feel like I'll look dumb. Even my grades throughout college reflected this fear of failure as I stressed and pushed hard to get the A's I always "needed." 

   And yet, I'm learning that it's pretty hard to keep an 'A' in life. It seems, I fail. I'm failing more than I'd like to admit. And currently, I'm forced to admit it, because it's blatantly staring me in the face each and every day. 

I fail people. I fail my students. I fail my friends, my family, and myself. 

I'm starting to learn that it's hard to be perfect. It's hard to never fail. 

I'm beginning to see that I might expect more of myself than is healthy, or realistic. And so, I'm determined to learn to let go. Even if the process goes more slowly than I'd like. 

I'm right in the middle of a bunch of crappy crapness, but I'm identifying the crap, the emotions, the reactions, the roots of the turmoil I feel I'm imploding from. 

   I'm ready to start learning to give myself a break from unrealistic expectation and pressure, to be honest with myself and stand up for my desires. To allow myself to learn more slowly than I'm comfortable with, to lean on friends, and to humble my heart in accepting that, I too, can fail. And hopefully through these failings, I can truly learn to Live. For to really, truly, and deeply Live, that is my greatest desire. 

Our Brilliant God

   I was driving home to Chico recently while chatting with a friend on the phone. We hadn't spoken in months and months, so it was a joy to catch up on all life has taught us since we last spoke. My heart was ecstatic to realize that everything I had to say was good. Don't get me wrong, there's definitely things in life that aren't necessarily going great, but... you'll see...

   God's so good. A friend recently described God as 'brilliant.' Brilliant. Wow. I love to refer to God as good, and yet, good is good, but brilliant takes Him to a whole new level. I was looking up the definition for brilliant: "exceptionally clever or talented" and some synonyms: "intelligent, skillful; superior, excellent; brainy, impressive, remarkable, or exceptional"(mac dictionary). (if you haven't figured out by now, I like words ;)). I loved this reference to God as brilliant because it made Him so much better, so much more in control, so much more skilled in planning than I previously attributed to Him. I love continually learning how much better God is than I originally try give him credit for.

   I also love learning that when I deliberately decide not to worry about aspects of my life. God always comes through for me. He's never not been faithful. How can I do any less than trust Him completely.

   This was partly why talking with my friend was so fun. Because we hadn't spoken in such a long time, I had to think back. I had to remember what has happened and all that God has done. I had to remember why Chico was so hard, and how much God has changed my heart for living here. It caused me to remember all the blessings, every one.... I see over and over how hard times, sad times, and hurtful times, how they have all turned into such good. I've learned so much, I've grown to see God's love more and more throughout the journey of my life. I wouldn't change this adventure for anything... even the times that don't make sense. The times that hurt. The times that are joyous. I'm learning to truly enjoy each moment- the easy times to trust, the times filled with fear, hurt, or wonder. God's so good. He's so brilliant. As I decide to embrace the moments realizing that God is so in control and so good, the fear and the worry get displaced, and a fresh perspective, that surely must only come from God, takes their place. This perspective is so new for me. I'm not used to living in such a way, and yet, it's so easy, so free, so alive. I get to embrace life because I'm not the one figuring it all out. I just get to walk onto the stage of right now and enjoy my part while trusting God has each scene, and all the props, and costs, and needs for the next scene and the next, all taken care of.

   I'm so convinced that He has a plan. That He loves me. That He holds me and is so much more faithful than I know. I love learning to experience Him more. Once as I was first learning to enjoy experiencing more of my Father, I felt Him say to me "it only get's better from here." It's so true. The times might be hard, or they might be good, but what I get to learn about my Good Father through them surpasses everything. The time has built greater trust, and deeper love. "The best is yet to come" and there's always more to learn. Yay God! What a good and brilliant God we have.

Purpose, People, Dreams, and Travel

  I headed to Bidwell Park this evening for a lovely, much needed, long walk. The music set I wanted to listen to wasn't working and I didn't feel in the mood to start my weekly sermon from Bethel Church quite yet, so I just walked in silence. My mind was uneasy, aimless, in a way. I walked and began chatting with God about it. The future has been on my mind lately, in that, I've felt concerned about my lack of direction for various goals in life. Some of my desires remain unwavering, yet others seem foggy where they used to be so clear.

Bidwell Park, Chico

  As I was mulling over this potential 'life crisis,' it occurred to me that this was silly. I have no need to know exactly what's next, what's down the road 10 years from now, 5 years from now, or even 2 years from now. All I really need to focus on right now, is right now. And I know that- my credential. I have the next 7 months figured out (more or less). I was challenged to stop thinking so much about the far out future, and think about this summer and the time I have right now. What will I do with it, what is my purpose? What do I want from life? and then... what does that actually look like..? It's ok that I don't fully know. It's actually fun that I don't. Life's way less intense than I usually try to make it...

  God and I chatted about my love of people and planning parties, of making good food to share with others, and making people feel welcomed and loved... We chatted about my longing to love, mend, and do life with the hurting hearts, especially women's hearts here in Chico. I'd love to go and help women overseas maybe someday, but today I was challenged by what that actually looks like right here, right now. "How do I find the people who need love, who need a friend?" My final conclusion was that ultimately, God would have to point them out and make it clear- who and where.

  The thinking time had been wonderful, but I was then ready for a change and plugged my ears into a sermon from last Sunday. It always amazes me how sermons can so blatantly speak to what I'm currently pondering in life, and this one hit so many nails on the head it was crazy. The man spoke about how God uses every season of our lives, waisting nothing. He used examples of Moses and Esther and how every aspect of their lives were used with strategic purpose. That we are where we are for "such a time as this" with the wisdom to act. There was so much more, but those were various points that stand out at the moment.

  As the sermon was winding down I walked past a woman who asked about the cars driving on the path. Her question clearly indicated that she was not from Chico, and I briefly explained how cars were allowed in this section of the park. I continued walking on, but as soon as I did, I knew I should have slowed down and talked with her longer. Maybe it was the fact that she was new to town, maybe it was her eagerness to chat, whatever it was, I still didn't turn around. By that time, evening was creeping in and I was getting hungry. I also wanted to finish the sermon, and besides, by now she was a far ways behind me. (Gotta love those rationalization skills). As I got into my car to leave, I noticed the woman had made her way out of the trail and was headed down to the grass by the river. Nope, I was not about to walk down there.

  I drove out of the park gate rationalizing that it didn't really matter anyway, and she would probably think it strange if I walked over to talk with her. Usually I love talking with people, but I was so not interested in looking silly by backtracking, and admitting to myself, that I should have stayed and talked with her in the first place. Well, needless to say, my pride lost, and I stopped the car. I walked over and greeted the lady, asked if she was new to town, and yes, she definitely was. We chatted about her move, her family around the area, her amazing trips around the world (at first mention of traveling, I was instantly captivated), ethnic foods (she has great taste ;)), as well as aspects of my own life and places I've lived and traveled to. Thanks to her stories, pictures, and helpful information, I'm completely set for a trip to the Philippines. This woman and I, this complete stranger, was able to connect with my heart about passions that I haven't spoken of in years. How fun that even though I felt like I was coming to encourage her, I found that she encouraged me, and was equally excited about our conversation.

Krabi, Thailand

  It makes me chuckle how all the topics and themes of the evening wove so beautifully together. Purpose, people, dreams, travel... This evening I made a new friend, a friend I can't wait to get to know better. It's funny that when I stop trying to plan my life out, things happen. When my heart's open and available, God inevitably uses those times in such fun ways. People appear and blessings just fall from the sky. I can't wait to see all that's in store for this summer filled with abounding 'free time.' :)

When I know how loved I am...

  I want a full life. I want to go, I want to dream, not just dream, but DREAM so that my heart is overwhelmed by the implications. I want to leave the timid behind. I want a wild, a passionate, a FULL life. I want to love deeply, to impact a nation, to restore hope to those who feel empty, bring joy for the hurting, unveil the beauty in those who don't believe they have any... to meet the needs. to love. to really, really love. To love in a way that people are changed because they see the value they have, they see how beautiful, how precious, how wanted, how desired they are, Jesus' immeasurable love for them.

  I want a life that's larger than life. I want to be so sure of my authority as one loved by God that it changes everything: the way I see myself, the way I see others, the way I treat my resources, my time, my desires. That everything in my heart would fall into order because it knows whom I belong to and how Good the one who loves me truly is.

  I feel like my life is going to be so much bigger than I can even imagine right now. I know there is so much ahead of me. My heart burns for it, yearns for it. I can't wait for what's ahead. Yet, in the now, I have so much right here, in this beautiful season, this beautiful Chico... I love learning more deeply who I am, what I love, who I am created to be, the space I was created to fill.

  I growing to see that I have a message. Thoughts and words, ideas, that bubble up in my heart to give away- even just a short conversation, a simple encouragement, a random thought that comes to mind for someone.. I have words, they are important, Jesus speaks in me, to me, I know Him, I love Him- Speak! let his love pour out on others who long to be loved.. I want to live with such disregard for the reactions of people and a single-minded gaze on the One who speaks Truth and Love, the one who loves me. In the words of dear Mother Teresa "The world today is hungry not only for bread but hungry for love; hungry to be wanted, to be loved. They're hungry to feel that presence of Christ." I want to know His love so deeply, to live in such awe of my creator, so overflowing with the knowledge his presence and goodness, that His love can't help put leak out everywhere I go. I want to be consumed with that love.

  I'm also learning that I love to pray.. to continually remember that I'm able to share my heart with the Lord and that He shares is heart with me. I love the beauty of what it means to be in the presence of the One who loves us, the boldness we have to pray, the wisdom He gives us to pray, the coming before him and letting it all out- everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and still being closer than ever to our God. I love the promptings in my heart to call out truth when discouragements, doubt, and burdens that I wasn't created to carry crowed my view. Bringing these things on my heart out of a silence that feels so "real" and replacing them with the power of the Truth of the Kingdom, it changes things, it changes me, my mood, my attitude, my joy. "We are atmosphere changers" my friend stated the other evening. We are. We have the power, the wisdom, the authority to join with the Father's heart and speak the atmosphere of the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else must go. Fear, doubt, worry, confusion, lust, anxiety, sickness,.. they have no place here.

  Mostly, I'm realizing that my heart longs to love. I was created to love, to love deeply. I've been given a tender heart which longs to hold the hurting, to show those who don't believe in themselves how amazing, beautiful, and lovely they truly are. I want to have the resources to give to those who need it, to equip them to become the strong men and women they were created to be. I want to love people. I want to know how loved I am that I can't help but love, truly love. I don't love near as well as I long to, but the one who IS Love lives in me, and He is the best teacher. And I truly believe that loving well is something that changes as I come into a greater understanding of the reality of my God.

  How can I be selfish and hurtful if I truly knew how generous and kind, how compassionate and loving God is? How could I be judgmental if I truly understood God's heart of mercy and grace? How could I be stingy and so completely self-centered when I grasped how self-less and Good God is? How can I live so rushed and worried about time when I recognize that He rules over time, He created it, it's belongs to Him. And so do I.

  At one point in the Bible (Luke 11:5-13), Jesus is talking to a group of people about how little they understand the Goodness of the Father. He says basically that even human beings, who know so little of what it means to love well, know how to give good gifts to their children and friends when they ask. Our heavenly Father, the epitome of Love itself, He gives and gives and gives, generously to ALL, we just have to ask. So I ask to know my God more, to know- to intimately know- to be so intertwined in Him, that it effects me completely.. cause THAT, I believe, will change everything.

  Oh life. What a beautiful life I've been given. Precious people, perfect timing, treasured gifts.. I truly am blessed. Looking back, seeing all that God's done- His extreme faithfulness and amazing blessings- they empower me to believe for even more. He's shown me how Good he is, and since I know He doesn't change, I'm so excited to see more. Who knows what glory lies ahead. it's always an adventure.

Royalty

I wrote this about a year ago... I didn't feel it was 'finished' enough to publish it... but as i'm looking back through older pasts i've written, i realize that I don't totally agree with everything I wrote then. My world, my ideas, the way i interpret and understand God and the world around me is always changing, growing, evolving. Growing more in Truth, I hope. So it's time this post got out there. I feel there's so much truth in here, I know I need to reread all of this, over and over. Royalty, Heavenly Royalty. I'm the King's beautiful daughter. You are the King's beautiful child, so glorious are you.. enjoy dear ones.
*****
I went for a run tonight, and halfway through, it occurred to me that I was seeing purple flowers everywhere. Purple has been a growing theme for me in the past month or two.. or while.. It's the color of royalty. This is significant to me because I believe that as a Christian, I am royalty. Throughout the New Testament we are told continually that we are "children of God" and "sons of God." I believe these words aren't just cute phrases, but give profound insight into who we truly are in Christ. 

Throughout the run I pondering what it truly means to be royalty. How does the King view us? How does a person of royalty view ones own self?

One thing God has been teaching me is how secure and safe we are in His love. Nothing that happens to me, or nothing that I decide to do, nothing is outside of His grace and the work He has done on the cross for me. Its crazy to me how much God desires to be with me. How much He wants to come near to me, to bless and love me through times in my life when I feel unlovely. It reminds me of a verse I heard recently from Song of Solomon where the beloved says "dark am I, yet lovely" (1:5). I see my failings, yet God sees me as I truly am. He sees me in light of the cross, the blood of His son making me only pure and holy. He sees me as lovely, not as sinful, but as beautiful, clean, worthy, and precious. 

I've been reading through the book of Isaiah for some time now and it continues to amaze me how much God deeply and unashamedly loves His people. He claims the Israelites no matter what, even in times when it would make total sense for them to be destroyed for their wickedness. God pours out mercy and compassionate love. "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would be like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea" (Isaiah 48:17-18). His heart is for us to believe and understand who we are. He teaches us how to live in our royalty, how sons and daughters of the King respond to His overflowing love. His heart for us is to live with the deepest peace as we trust His goodness, for faith and trust in His goodness to be constant in our hearts. The King shows His beloved His faithfulness. "They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts, he made water flow from the rock" (Isaiah 48: 21). He loves us so much He'll defy the norms of how the world "should" work for us. That's how much He loves us. There's nothing He would not do. 

This next part blows my mind. In Isaiah 49, Isaiah tells Israel that even though they are distant and intentionally rebellious against the Lord, He still has a plan for them. He has made them for a beautiful destiny. He knows them intimately, each of them, they are precious to Him and through them He says: "I will display my splendor" (Isaiah 49:3). What?! They never get it right. They always rebel. They even choose to turn away from God, yet God sees who they truly are. He desires "to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel back to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength" (Isaiah 49:5). It doesn't make sense. Why would God love us this much? What does He get out of it? Joy. Somehow He gets the greatest joy out of relationship with His sons and daughters. He wants us to join with His heart, He units us with Himself and allows us to live out the Kingdom of Heaven right where we are. He even promises that "Kings will see you and stand up, princes will see and bow down, because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you" (Isaiah 49:7). So much glory! We are chosen, dearly beloved, honored, royal, and respected children of the most high King.

Therefore, if this is the truth about who we are, if this is how God truly sees and values us, its time we started living in this reality. Its time we take to heart our inheritance, and believe who we really are. I've heard people compare this revelation with the movie The Lion King, where Simba is royalty, but he has chosen to "forget" who he truly is. His father comes to remind Simba the truth of his identity. He was created for a purpose and great destiny, "remember who you are." I think it's a great parallel to who we are in Christ. We have authority and power as co-heirs of Christ (Romans 8:17), Christ died and our old self died with Him on the cross so that we can be done dying. Our old self is dead, we now get to delight in what it means to "share in his glory" (Romans 8:17). We get to reflect the Kingdom of God through our lives. Jesus said in John 14 that "all who have faith in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these... and I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (verses 12-14). Dang. That's big. Do I really believe that? Do I really live believing that my love for the Lord and my identity as His Daughter allows me to have the power of the Lord in my life that will reveal itself in amazing ways? Jesus did some crazy things while He was on earth, but this verse seems to indicate that I get the chance to be a part of even wilder experiences! crazy. This is what we're a part of. 

God has also been showing me that a Daughter of the King is given what she needs. I get to walk through life with full confidence that I am well taken care of. What I need will be provided- it would be unthinkable for a King to give His child to be anything less than the best. I will be protected with people who will comfort me, care for my heart, walk alongside my destiny. I have been created for greatness. As the Daughter of the King I also get a place of authority. I get to speak with the King in a way that is intimate and precious. I get a voice, a chance to be close to my Father, to talk with Him, question Him, hear His heart. I can learn from Him because I am allowed the closeness to see Him move and work and think in ways that others cannot see. I get to understand His heart deeply. I get a relationship. I grow to become like Him. Even if I dislike what He says, if I doubt my true identity, if I do something completely unbecoming for royalty, I cannot be disowned. The truth is that I am royalty, I cannot be made unroyal. I can doubt who I am, but the truth is that I have been bought with a price. This truth should make me ever more eager and excited to grow in the knowledge of who I truly am. I have been given wisdom, love, and the glories of the Kingdom of Heaven, to enjoy and fellowship with the Father in. I get to rest in His banner of never-ending, deep love that He has lavished over me. Rest in His protection. Rest in the joy of the work of the cross. Rest in faith that He is good, He is greater, He is everything I'll ever need, and always faithful. 

There is so much more I will learn about what it means to be Royalty. I have so much to learn about God's heart, so much to learn about His for me. Its a glorious journey. I'm so thankful to be so loved and so deeply blessed. It rocks my world that this is what we're given- Freely! God loves us so much that He just wants to give and give and love and love and all He wants in return is for us to enjoy Him and love Him back. Its such a beautiful gift. The more I grasp it, the more my heart fills with joy and thankfulness. Such grace. Such love.  

"Will you let me hold you?"

  I find myself in a weird stage right now. Over the years I've cultivated and nurtured so many dreams, big dreams, beautiful dreams, and they've fueled me and given me passion for my life.

  Yet, over these past few weeks, maybe months, I've been realizing that I'm not sure I believe in my dreams any more, or even want them. This apathy for the passions I once had concerns me, because, for one, it has effected my mood and ability to cope with life, and two, I'm believing downright lies.

  Some examples? I've been apathetic about school- I don't care. And I do care, I always cared before- grades have always been a huge deal for me, and I usually love school.. yet recently, it takes every ounce of effort to do my homework and even go to class. I cry way too easily. I feel lonely and discouraged with life almost every time I find myself alone... to say the least, it's a discouraging time..

  However, I think I've figured out why I struggle desiring success for this semester. I think I'm afraid that I won't find fulfillment in or be passionate about my ever approaching "teaching dream." I'm afraid all this work and money and time and stress and overwhelming days will be for absolutely no good reason, and I'm sick and tired of trying.

  I've never wanted to give up so badly.

  Yet, as I sit and think about giving up, a tiny (sane) part of my heart reminds me that I know I will enjoy teaching (my past experiences have already shown me glimpses of this..), I will love my students, I will find fulfillment in and be passion about my job... I will.

  but i'm afraid.

  As I poured out my pain to a wise woman in my life, she encouraged me to stand. Just to stand. That sometimes as the waters of chaos rise and the winds of lies roar, you need to stand firm on the promises of Jesus and just praise Him. It's true. It's amazing how worshiping the Lord can change my aching, downcast heart to one of joy and trust.

  A few days ago I was sitting at the park, crying out to Jesus. I expressed how tired I was of never knowing when I'd suddenly feel emotionally ridiculous and completely overwhelmed. I was trying to feel "normal" and have the right perspective of life, but it's not always that simple sometimes... In response to my outpoured heart, I felt like Jesus said to me "You're trying too hard. You always want to make everything perfect and do everything, and you can't, you can't do everything, you need to let go. Let me be the strong one. Let me show my strength in your feelings of weakness. You need to let go and let me hold you, hold the stuff, hold the time... will you let me hold you?" That last part has continued to repeat in my heart "Will you let me hold you?"

  Being still in the arms of one who truly loves, who truly cares. Trusting in His wisdom and love for me, for my life. Finding rest in His goodness, which creates space for praise and worship, which leads to joy. Joy because He is love, and has a good plan. Believing that there is power on my side that is greater than my fears, or doubts, or confusion, or anger, or frustration, or any and all of it.

  Praise the Lord that He is greater.

  I don't fully "feel" amazing about my life all the time, but I'm standing. I'm not giving up, and I'm trying not letting the things around me overwhelm me. I find I must continually choose to trust the goodness, faithfulness, and love that surpasses my understanding to help me through these strange waters I find myself amidst.

living loved

"i'm sorry i'm not handling the stress of this very well."

"why aren't you handling it well?"

"cause i feel like everything's out of my control..."

"haven't you ever felt like that before?"

"ya..."

"have things ever not worked out?"

"no.."

"so, why do you let it stress you out so much if you know that things always work out? You have no reason to doubt God's faithfulness to pull things through for you until something doesn't work out."

  Sometimes my little sister has way more common sense and wisdom than I do...

  Her words really struck my heart and i've been thinking about them a lot over the past few days. I so easily let the little things in my life (and obviously they never feel little at the time...) stress me out way too much. I feel that I need to have everything all figured out and laid in neat little rows where i get to manage and supervise everything. And somehow, nothing ever works out that way... so when things jump out of my hands, will I trust and let life flow as it does, or will i continue to freak out and ruin my life and hurt those around me because things aren't "by the plan?"

  I'm realizing I need to let go. I have my hands so tightly clenched around things that can't even be held. I hate not being "in control" of my life, and yet, when has that ever done me any good? I was definitely not in control of my life when my family moved overseas, nor when my university closed and i had to move unexpectedly, yet, how thankful I am for those events and for how much they have shaped my life. I wouldn't change those, at the time, "catastrophes," for anything.

  I guess it really comes down to how much I trust. Trusting in God's goodness. Trusting in God's wisdom, his sovereignty, his power, his love, his faithfulness.... trust.

  In place of where trust should be, I find fear. Fear that if I don't make things happen or keep the unraveling cords of my life somehow tied together, everything will fall to shreds. And for some reason, this terrifies me. As i've been thinking about this topic of fear in my life, i notice it is a common resident within my heart. I fear a lot. I fear being a failure in my job. I want my coworkers, managers, and guests I serve to like and respect me. I fear rejection. I fear never being pretty enough, confident enough, lovely enough. I fear finances which causes me to dread spending money in a way i'm convinced isn't healthy. I fear all these things that bind me from living freely and being who I truly want to be.

  All this fear does is suffocate my heart and keeps me from truly living in the freedom and love I desire to embody. I hate that I let this lie have such a hold on my life. This fear shows me that I'm not understanding or believing the true reality of God's heart. If I truly understood how God sees me, how much he loves, how he longs to bring good things into my life, why would I let my heart believe I must be in control? When I fear, I don't trust. I don't rest. We weren't created for fear, we weren't created for worry, we were created to live loved.

  Ah. love. again this topic seems to surface. Fear, worry, they seem to stem from a lack of understanding this royal sonship I live in, how I am truly seen in the Father's eyes. The vast wealth of His deep love. I still have so much to learn about how Jesus loves me, yet as I think about His love and these haunting emotions that linger in my heart, the phrase comes to mind: "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). This stirs my heart because I know this Man who loves perfectly. He teaches me. He loves me, He lives in me. Haha! There's hope for this silly girl yet. I love the idea of living without fear, yet somehow, I won't let myself live without it. I find it to be a safety net.. a false, unsatisfying one.

  Perfect love.

  When I truly believe I am loved by the One who loves perfectly, my life changes. My mindset changes. When I believe I'm perfectly loved, I believe I'm wonderfully taken care of. I then realize there's actually nothing to waste my time worrying about. Suddenly my heart becomes empowered to love deeper because I get to bask in love. I get to live confident because there's nothing more to fear. I love that verse that says "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). That's what I want. I want a full life. I want a life where I live fully because I'm fully and deeply and abundantly loved so much more than my heart can even contain. i want my life to spill great love, deep hope, gracious peace, gentle kindness, abundant faithfulness, and every other Godly attribute wherever I go because i'm just too full of the Father's love to embody anything else.

  I want to believe i'm loved in the kind of way that causes a person to change. People in love are different. They are radiant. They are full of beauty you never before noticed, they blossom and more fully envelop the best parts of themselves. They hope, they dream, they believe anything is possible. They become daring, full of life, full of love... I want to live this way. I want to live a life where love overcomes fear, and worry, and doubt. Love. the best kind of love. Perfect love.

the Love of a Father

It's one of those nights where sleep doesn't come easy and my heart is frustrated with all the things that I don't understand. I want to do things right. I want to be content. I want to be fulfilled. I want to love well, live well, bless and be blessed. Yet, I'm frustrated at how "not well" i feel i'm doing everything.

Something brought me to my blog in my sleeplessness and I looked down the list of blogs I follow to my dear friend and now cousin Katie's blog. I always love reading Katie's words. Though them I see her heart. I see her pain, her growth, her raw authenticity. Katie's blog was the first encounter I had with her after my cousin Matt told me about this amazing girl he had met in the airport, and as I read her heart through her blog, I knew this sweet-hearted young woman was well worth his pursuit.

This evening as I skimmed down the list of Katie's old posts to see if there were any I had missed in the past few months, a post from January caught my eye. As I read further my heart welled and tears streamed down my face. Through Katie's journey after college back to Santa Rosa, I see parallels of my current season. I'm so thankful to have such a dear friend who can speak into the pain, the longings, and the fears that my heart encounters during this season. Her gentle, authentic words give me hope, they give me peace, and such great encouragement about the love of our Father. Here are her beautiful words if you'd like to read them for yourself: Seasons of Life. 

I feel like if there's one thing I've truly been learning lately, its a deeper understanding of the heart of Jesus. God keeps bringing me back to this topic. His heart for me. His love, His joy in giving me unexpected pleasures, how He loves to surprise me in lavishing love on me in ways I never would have imagined. I am continually blessed beyond what I could ever deserve. But I guess that's the amazing thing about Grace. God's love and blessing and grace have poured upon me and I cannot deny His heart is for me. I cannot deny His faithfulness, His promises to me, His love for me, His closeness and joy of being with me. He wants better for me than I want for myself.

Yet, as I read Katie's blog I realized that even as I see such outpourings of love, I don't fully believe it. I can't fully grasp that Jesus truly has it all together. I don't fully believe that He loves me just that much.. that His plans for my life aren't just dreams, but they are realities waiting for perfect timing. And so, despite my doubts, I choose to dwell in the truth my head knows, and trust that, in time, they will make it fully and deeply to my heart. Jesus is my Good Father, gentle and tender and deeply invested in me. In my heart. In my dreams. In my longings and ambitions. My thoughts are important to Him. My cares, my pain, my tears, and crazy emotions are not only put up with, but valued and beloved. They are held and responded to with great care and gentleness...

I feel I am just glimpsing the beginning of a truth that runs so much deeper than I can imagine,.. yet to grow in knowledge of the deep love of my Father, I can't imagine a more beautiful journey.

The Beauty in Isaiah 40

Sometimes it amazes me how God speaks to me through the Bible. Ya, the Bible's supposed to be living and active, but to speak so directly to my heart about exactly what I'm dealing with... that continues to shock me.

This evening, everything became simply "too much." Too much mess in my room, too much disorganized chaos in my brain, forgotten assignments, a receipt I threw away that I should have kept, lost money, pain in my poor, sore body, nose and head full of congestion, overall exhaustion... too much.

That feeling of everything being "too much," and me being the failure through it all creates within me strong emotional reactions. I being to feel I can never do anything right, I wonder again why I live here- I don't want to be here; yet, I don't want to be anywhere else since I know God has me here... but still, I'm discontented. Gosh. too much emotion. basically, all these feelings led to an overall sense of frustration, sadness, and tears.

I'm reading through Isaiah and tonight I got to chapter 40. Wow God, talk about speaking directly to my heart. The entire chapter, all 31 verses, were exactly what I needed to hear. I feel that the first 10 verses reflect the calling God has for me here in Chico, to "life up your voice with a shout, lift it up and do not be afraid" ... to "comfort [His] people," and allow His glory to be revealed.
Glorious purpose.

The next section, verses 11- 31, directly confronted me about the overwhelmed and frustrated state of my heart. Where do I place my trust? Where is my security? Why do I forget the power and the love of my God? Read this slowly, let it sink in. Each word a treasure...

"'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. 

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? 

He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls each by name. 

Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. 

Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, 

'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'? 

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint" 

(Isaiah 40:25-31).

So powerful. I get so wrapped up in my own concerns, my own failings, my own life, and I think I have to make it all better. I have to deal with my problems. The messes I have created, I must fix.

But that's so not true. I'm not God. I don't need to wrestle with what Jesus came to carry. He has told us that we who are weary and burdened can come to Him and find deep rest. I know that God cares about me despite my failings; He is good to me through my messiness. He is greater than my mistakes, and nothing happens outside of His knowledge. Not one star falls without Him allowing it to do so. I am not bigger than God, He has been showing me so faithfully over the past years how much He desires me, will I choose now not to trust Him?
Remember His faithfulness.
Trust His goodness.

I find it beautiful that verse 30 says "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall." It says that the ones who should be the most fit, the most able to endure and make it through without messing up, they still mess up, they still fall. And yet, it says that God is full of understanding that we cannot comprehend. He gives us strength we shouldn't have, and because of His incredible love, He gives it freely, joyously, abundantly. Such love.

It says we will soar. I love this word. Various definitions of this word say: "fly or rise high in the air. to climb powerfully. maintain height in the air without flapping wings or using engine power. increase rapidly above the usual level" (free dictionary and mac dictionary). Not only will we be given enough strength to get through, but as we hope in the Lord, we will be able to do more than expected without being drained or overwhelmed. We will rise high on fresh strength.

I choose to trust in my Rock, my Jesus. As the waves of my emotions ebb and flow, I will allow Him to be my constant. He knows me. He is not daunted by my emotions, He knows the depths of my heart and continues to say "you're worth it." Therefore, I trust His goodness, His love. He is worth trusting and the fickleness of my emotions will not overwhelm me. "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth." He is bigger, He is stronger, He is good. So good. 

Another Step Along the Way

"Rest in God and let Him do the rest" -bill johnson.

I get so easily anxious. wanting friends: now, community: now, security and "home:" now.
I forget these take time.
Patience. Trust.

I have seen God's faithfulness throughout my life. I know He provides. I know His timing, His gifts, they are good. Will I daily trust Him in this season?

Just last week I realized I hadn't asked God for specific needs/desires concerning my life here in Chico.. and remembering how faithful God has been to the specific prayers I've prayed in each move I've made in the past few years- I boldly asked for the longings of my heart. I prayed for friends- specific qualities of a variety of friendships, mentors, diverse communities... and even within this short week, I have seen God's hand at work in those prayers.

Faithfulness.

And suddenly there's too much! Too many activities, too many people, and it all becomes overwhelming. Slow down, be, rest, enjoy. This process is supposed to be fun.
Process.
Yes, the process takes time. Deep, fulfilling friendships takes time. I grow anxious again, my heart yearning for the friends who know me, for the lifestyle that's comfortable, a place of belonging.

To belong.
That's what I long for.
And God whispers in my heart over and over "trust my goodness, wait in me. will you trust how much I love you?"

Rest.
Rest. He's got it. He's got a good plan. A joyous adventure ahead.
The days of excitement and anticipation, the moments of heartache, and the longing to be known... they're real. That's my life right now.

Yet, in the pain, I will not live defeated. Yes, I hurt and my heart still misses the comfort of the past, but I trust. I choose to trust. I choose to not worry about how it will work out. I choose to rest in the love of my Jesus. His comfort and kindness in this season have pulled me closer to Himself in a way I have never known before.
This is truly a growing season.
A season of finding my God in a new way. Learning to lean in, to be fully satisfied and sustained in His love. To rejoice and live abundant in the hope I have in this place.
Rejoicing that my time in Chico is purposeful, is important. I have been equipped to meet this season head on, I am well prepared, I have not been abandoned. I am rooted and established.
I am being grown here. and I am grateful. I am blessed.
So very blessed.

I choose courage, I choose peace. I choose to remember who I am- cherished daughter of the King, and rest in the shelter of His love.
Rest in His goodness.
Rest in His strength.
Rest.

finding truth

I have a dear friend who asks me the right questions, the provoking questions, the questions that challenge me to seek truth, and not just sit contently in the confusion of my emotions. The other day I was, once again, overwhelmed with everything new and different around me. I wanted security, I wanted friends here with me, I wanted normalcy- now. I began to feel that God was being unfair. He knows I dislike change and that it's super hard for me, and yet, he gives it to me anyway. I felt unloved and far from cherished. I felt abandoned, here to figure it out on my own. When I mentioned these feelings to my friend, his response was simply "What did He (God) say to you about it?"

What? Ask God what His response to my feelings, my accusations was? Unthinkable, yet profoundly the correct response I should have taken in the first place.

So I did. I told God honestly how I felt, expressed the hurt, the unrealistic accusations, and the truth that was my heart. And then I asked Him what He thought about it all... The response was beautiful, nothing necessarily profound or extravagant, but meaningful to me. I felt God revealing to me that this season is important, that it will grow me in ways that are crucial for the seasons that come later, for the places I will go, the things I take part in, I need this season. The story of Joseph from the Old Testament came to mind. Joseph's story has always been near and dear to my heart, and I thought it was special that Jesus brought it to my mind. Throughout his life, Joseph went through many transitions, many of which he did not choose, many were unfair and hard. But God used them, and through them, God molded Joseph's character into the man that would influence nations and save lives. God had big plans for Joseph, but a process was needed to get him to where he needed to be.

I have always respected Joseph's devotion to the Lord through his personal hard times. As far as I know, he lived well along the journey. He had no idea that amazing plans were ahead of him, but he trusted God, remained faithful, and honored Him in each situation he was placed in. Joseph was able to look back through all the seasons of his life, from his childhood dreams, to undeserved favor in job situations, promotions, and places of honor, and in each, he could see God's faithfulness and provision. He had hope in the Lord's good plan.

I want to be like this. I want to live fully, live well, and live in a way that's honoring to my God in each season.

Just this morning I was falling back into the abyss of my fear- how will I find parking for classes, will the classes be overwhelming, will I live in bitterness and never make friends, how will I find a job that fits my schedule, is it possible to find a church that I can connect with and find the community I long for... in my heart the lies resound- no. you will fail. you will never enjoy your life here like you enjoyed the seasons before this. just sit in self pity, it's a comfortable, safe place to be. the unknown is unsafe, you don't want to go there, you don't want to risk it. 


Lies. All of them. And so I decided I needed to stop listening to the lies and begin listening to the truth. The truth is that I've been here before, I have pursued through all these fears before, and I know what's real. I can look back and see God's faithfulness, just as Joseph could. I know how God has provided before, in abundant blessings I never could have imagined. I see how the seasons have grown, changed, and taught me, and I see glimpses of God's purpose for my life along the way. The journey is not in vain. The struggle is not too much.

As I began to ask God to calm my heart, the words from a recent blog post I read came to mind. It talked about the heart of the Father and how He is "always at peace, always joyful, always loving, always living life to the fullest. God is the "I AM." He is the ever resting one..."-Karsten. These words prompted my heart to continue declaring the truth of God's power and control, His sovereignty and peace. "Nothing is too big, overwhelming, or scary for You. This situation in my life isn't too much for you. Your heart is at rest. You take joy in where I'm at and all that's in store. You have it all in Your hands. I have no idea what's to come, but You do and it doesn't bother you in the slightest because You know I need this season, that it's important, that it's good. You know I will come through it more refined and more beautiful. You're excited, not daunted. Thank you that your strength is enough. That you give hope to the helpless and strength to the weary. Thank you that your burden is light and that as I give you my fears and my tears, I am able to receive your peace, your grace, your comfort and wonderful love. Thank you for Your hope." 


I've been learning that the best way to grow in relationships is to engage in honest and open communication. As I look at my own feelings and don't just let the stresses, the lies, and the emotions overwhelm and consume me, but openly express them to my Father, I get the answers, the comfort, and the love that I'm longing for. He's here, He cares, and I need to remember to stop being to stubbornly self absorbed, and freely cling to His loving embrace.

learning to be a friend

It's times like this when I feel like a horrible friend. I look back and see the friend I should of been, the friend I now need for myself. I've been impatient with dear friends in times when all they needed was a loving heart to simply be there for them. I haven't said this out loud, on the contrary, I've been that patient, kind friend on the outside, but inside, I want them to hurry up. "Stop whining," "be more flexible," "learn to adjust," "see where you're messing up and fix it, soon." I have become impatient with those who long for someone to wait with them as they process life, to love them in times when we seem unlovely, or merely need someone to believe in them.

But now, I'm the complaining, hurting, struggling, unlovely one, and I see how wrong my heart has been. I see now the love and grace my friends needed. I see how unkind and unhelpful my thoughts have been. In this journey of life, as we grow, struggle, hurt, and succeed, we're all looking for a little love. We long for people to stand by us in our good, our bad, and our ugly times. We need people to give us a hug, a bit of encouragement, or the space allowing us to be fully present in each season of life. We need people to let us know that where we are is ok, that the hurt is ok, that the feelings are real (even if they're not completely true), that we are still loved, and that the season will not last forever.

We don't always see it when we're in it, but the seasons of life, whether joyful or hard, they grow us, especially the hard ones. Through them, we are able to see where God has been faithful, where we have grown in our faith, in trust. We see that we are fragile and need the strength of a loving, gentile, and good Father.

Growing in a better understanding of how I should love those around me, and how I want to be loved, parallels what I'm learning about how God loves me. He loves me in my weakness. He lets me feel my hurt, and loves me knowing there is growth to come, but He never pushes me. He is gentle and kind, always full of grace and generous in love. This is how I want to live, the kind of friend I want to be. Gracious, compassionate, patient, able to fully and deeply love.

Loved

This song has meant a lot to me lately...

His Grace

This morning I found myself stifled by the frustration of the season I find myself in. I want purpose and activity so that I can move on, and not have to deal with my heart. Yet, once again, I find myself struggling in a place of learning to just be.

I needed an outlet, so I decided the best way to handle my discontented thoughts was to take a long walk. As I explored the winding roads around the neighborhood I now live in, I began to try to express my heart, my hurt, and my sorrow to God. I love walking and talking. It's a great combination.

I told Him I'm tired of change, and even though I know He is faithful, I don't want to go through the effort of moving to a new place and meeting new people again. I don't feel excited for this process, even though, deep down, I know it will be a good season. I don't feel at peace and content like I know I could/should when I consider the truth of God's faithfulness. I know where I should be at emotionally- fully dependent, at peace, and thankful for where God has me, but my heart isn't fully there yet. I'm sad. I'm tired of the process.

I began telling God this during my walk, and the words of Paul came to mind as he said: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation... I can do all this through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13 italics are mine). The repetition of "learned" stuck out to my heart. Paul indicates that the process of becoming content with where the Lord has placed him is a learning process, it doesn't just happen overnight. There's hope for me yet. And he concludes his statement saying that this learning to be content happens because God gives him the strength. He doesn't conjure the feelings alone, but God supplies him with what he needs.

As I was pondering this, more of Paul's words came to mind, because he too struggled, at times, with where God had Him. During one such time, Paul says that God told him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul goes on to say that because he can trust what the Lord says to be true, he can then "delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10). I'm not sure yet that I can fully align my heart with Paul's, for I don't feel like I want to delight in the hardships of moving and the weakness of my heart. And yet, I know he is right. I know that as I take my eyes off my hurt and look towards God, my attitude changes. As I look at His blessings surrounding me, my heart becomes more content in how God is taking care of me, and loving me.

I began speaking to God about these verses and telling Him what I felt I needed right now from life. I told Him I need encouragement. I've realized over the years, that I become more encouraged as I praise and thank God, so I began to count the blessing around me, right here, right now. Winding roads, the gorgeous view of the valley below me, warm sunshine, deer, tall trees and that there are so many of them... and what do you know, but a few minutes into this process my phone started to ring. "Blocked" was what it read and I almost didn't answer, but when I did, I started to cry. The call was from a dear friend from high school. She lives in Scotland and we haven't seen each other or properly talked in almost 3 years. My heart ached with blessing at the sound of her voice. God truly gave me the encouragement I had asked for. I'm always amazed at how He continually shows me His love in such beautiful ways.

Though I still hurt, and change is still hard, I'm encouraged. I'm blessed. I know that I'm deeply loved and not abandoned. God always shows Himself to be so gracious, so kind, so faithful... "therefore, [I] do not lose heart" (2 Corinthians 4:16).

an unexpected semester

For any of you who may be wondering where I've been the last few months, and what the next bend in my journey has in store.. here's a little update. 

Some of you may know that I transferred to William Jessup University for the final semester of my BA degree in English. (You can find the details concerning my move to Jessup in a post I wrote back in August, its called "God's Faithfulness and Blessings.")

The move was filled with mixed emotions. Excitement in the unknown of a new place and all that God could do through the transition. Yet, my excitement was combined with sadness and fear, as I was moving away from dear friends and family in San Jose, and “starting over” once again. It was also sad to think of the brevity of the semester, because after making friends, finding community, and enjoying this season of life, it would be just that, a season, and then I’d move away again. It’s become a wonderfully blessed, but hard routine. 

Even though my adventure at Jessup wasn’t primarily because of my own choosing, I’m so thankful for all I’ve come away with. The semester changed me and challenged me to grow in ways I probably wouldn’t have if I had stayed in San Jose. As I reflect back on the semester, I see such blessing. God truly has been so good to me.

The academic courses I was able to take were fantastic. I loved my studies, and the depth I found within my upper division courses. Throughout the semester I’ve been challenged, but in the most fulfilling kind of way, and it’s led me to gain more knowledge and passion for the subject matters I love.

I feel that the Lord brought me to Jessup not only for academic reasons, but also to teach me more about Himself in a special way. Over the past year I’ve met several “charismatic” Christians and had to consider their understanding of God in ways I never had to before. It’s been a fun journey of looking at the Bible, and things I’ve been taught, and try to understand God’s heart through it all. As I’ve thought about what themes I have found within this semester, I would say “freedom” and “rest” as I learn to just “be” who I am in the presence of God.  

I have been learning to enjoy God more freely, understanding that my creativity, the way I love to dance, my heart, and how I see and respond to God are beautiful. I’m learning to be loved and, in return, how to love better. I’ve found that so often, I try so hard. I want to be the “good” Christian girl, who grows, and learns, and wants to respond to the grace and love I know God has given me... and yet there are times that I feel that I’m forcing feelings. I’m doing the right thing because I “should,” not because I want to, sometimes. I’ve been learning to be open to what I’m truly feeling and communicate with God about it. Not just say what I should say, but say what’s on my heart. Dare to say the things that “aren’t Christian,” but are what I feel. It’s been so freeing to understand more fully that God already knows the depths of me, so why not just be honest with myself, and actually BE where I am, and deal with it, and learn through it. God’s not afraid of what I feel, so why should I be so mortified by seemingly “unChristian” emotions? It’s been such a relief to be able to feel what I’m feeling and know that God is happy to meet me there. When I’m not afraid of where I’m at, I’m able to enjoy the process a whole lot more, and enjoy God a whole lot more. 

As I reflect over the year 2011, I see the past paragraph expound on a much larger scale. I see how God has been wooing me. How He has been pursuing me, drawing me towards Himself, and teaching me how to enjoy Him. I don’t have to “work” at it, I just get to “be” with Him, honestly, openly, and fully. It’s a wonderful journey. God is so kind. 

My perception of people has also changed. I’ve grown more able to see the amazing potential within each person. From the beautiful and popular, to the awkward and unconfident, these are the people Jesus loves. Each one is a person Jesus came to redeem, to live in, to awaken, to enjoy, and to love. Realizing this more deeply has given me a desire to love and see people the way Jesus does. How awesome is it to realize that each person has an amazing destiny ahead of them? And sometimes, people just need a little love and encouragement to help them see how amazing they are, how worth being around, how important and valuable their thoughts and desires are, and that who they are is wonderful. 

God has given me so many blessings throughout this past semester.

And yet, leaving Jessup was just as hard as any move has been. I know that in this next stage of life God will be just as faithful, but I’m still weak, and I still forget. 

If you’re wondering what I’m doing now that I’ve finally finished my English degree... I’m continuing with school. I’ll be attending CSU Chico starting the middle of January, working towards my Single Subject Teaching Credential. This credential will allow me to teach high school English. I’ll be living with my parents for a while (they recently bought a house in Paradise, the town next to Chico) until I am able to move into town. Though I struggle with feeling like I’m taking advantage of my parents’ hospitality, and that I should be making my own way in the world, I try to remember this is only a season. I also try to remember the blessing it is to have them near, when, for many years, we were so far apart. so many blessings. 

Though I’m unsure, as we all are, of what lies ahead in this next season, I’m excited to see what God has in store. He has been faithful before, and that keeps me strong through the changes. 

Growing in Joy

Did you know I used to really struggle with "joy?"

it's true. I never felt like I could just be happy, be excited about a beautiful day, be content to be alive and experience Jesus in whatever the day brought my way. Even on days when I wanted to be happy, I never felt like I could. I felt like my attitude, once determined by my morning grumpiness, was doomed for the rest of the day- I couldn't change.

Throughout my walk with Jesus I struggled with this as well- I would read parts of the Bible that talked about joy, and how experiencing Jesus gives us joy. I felt so helpless, that I couldn't truly be a Christian because I couldn't experience true joy. Sure, I got excited, but it was primarily centered around how many friends I got to spend time with in a day- they were my happiness meter.

I was thinking back over this yesterday evening as I talked with a friend, and I realized how very far God has brought me. I have never experienced such joy and fullness in my heart as I do now. Jesus has grown in me a new attitude for my family- a love, kindness, and grace I never had before. Even in the ordinary days I know I can find my Jesus there.

During my first year of college, as I struggled with my longing for joy, my roommate challenged me to journal and write at least one thing that I was thankful for everyday. It was exciting to see the change this formed in me. Even the little things could be blessings...

I also read a book during this time called The Life You Always Wanted by John Ortberg. Chapter 4, called "Dee-Dah-Day," impacted my heart in a powerful way. He talks about practicing the discipline of doing something everyday which brings life to your heart.

In my life this would look like: taking a walk, sitting in the sun, having a cup of tea, wearing an outfit I feel especially pretty in, taking time to do my hair, having a sweet treat (especially a home made chocolate chip or macadamia nut cookie), talking with a good friend, journaling at a favorite coffee shop, buying a bunch of pretty flowers... you get the idea...

I've learned that taking time to enjoy the things that bring life to my spirit, allow me to see Jesus in the things that I love. Each one of them is a precious gift from Him- we enjoy them together.

My joy grew drastically in the summer of 2008. Close friends of mine in Kenya gave me the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and I was reading it on my way back from Thailand, sitting in the Qatar airport. Suddenly, the love of God made sense, the cross made sense, Jesus made sense. I finally got it- God loves me, and Jesus was the ultimate way that He could show me that love, and now I get to enjoy deep relationship with God because of Jesus' sacrifice. It was such a great morning. I was alone in a sea of Arab men and women who couldn't understand what I was experiencing, and yet finding it extremely hard to contain my emotions at that moment. All I wanted to do was dance and sing and tell them all about this amazing revelation I just had.

The more I learn about the deep love God has for me and His beautiful character, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I fall in love with Him, the more joy I find. Even when my car breaks down, even when another move is on the horizon, even when I'm not certain about what's next, I know my Jesus has me. I know He is faithful, I know He is good, I know He is loving. My heart is so blessed, and yet I know that the more our relationship grows, it will only get better from here.

beauty from ashes

The other evening I decided to "stay in" instead of going to a prayer time at school, and I'm so glad I did. I randomly ran into a friend I knew from Bethany University and got to talk with him about where he is now and how the adjustment has been for him. He expressed to me how he was still grieving over what he had lost. The joy and safety and spiritual guidance he had felt at Bethany had become a void within him.

My heart hurt for his loss. I never felt very attached to Bethany, but in my life I have felt these same feelings. I have hurt the way I saw him hurting. I have lost a "home," friendships, security, and purpose of a place I loved dearly. I know what it is to grieve over a loss such as this.

As he expressed his hurts, my heart welled with words to share with him, they are words I have learned and applied to myself over the years. They are truths God has taught me through all the changes I have faced. What a blessing to know that my story is not in vain, that God can and is using it to encourage and strengthen others. What a joy to know that the pain I once felt, which has been turned to joy and blessing, can be of use to others.

I left the conversation joyful and encouraged. I knew exactly why I was supposed to "stay in" that night. I knew that God used me through my story to love on one of His children. What a blessing to partner with my Father in such a beautiful way.

God's Faithfulness and Blessings

   Almost 2 months ago I learned that the university I had been attending (Bethany University) decided it must close its doors for good. I literally laughed out loud when I found out (in a sarcastic kind of way) and told God this was "very funny." The following weeks and even months have consisted of the myriad of emotions that accompany filling out applications and beginning this transition process.

   Since arriving in San Jose, about two and a half years ago, I knew that I would not be there permanently. I was planning to leave next year, on my time... However, as I have come to see over and over again throughout my life, God has other plans.

   It has been so encouraging to see God's hand at work in this crazy situation, and within the details of my move to William Jessup University, for so many reasons:

• The whole situation is SO ridiculous, and completely not normal, that I am convinced God has bigger and better plans for me at Jessup than I ever could have created on my own.

• God has changed my heart about moving, reajusting, and making new friends- in the past, my heart has often been bitter and closed off to new situations. Yet, I'm encouraged to remember that God has given me such a blessing of friends and community in San Jose; I know He will provide again.

• Most transfers are required to complete at least a year of classes at their final university before being allowed to graduate. Jessup is letting me graduate in one semester, as I had originally planned at Bethany (this Dec '11). They have helped me obtain the classes I need in order to finish my degree- though I know it has created hardships for their faculty. 

• Surprise! This next semester I will be living in a hotel- What?! I'm living in a suite with 3 other women (4 of us total), with free access to pool, hottub, gym, (free!) laundry, outdoor patio, indoor lounge , complementary breakfasts, and 3 dinners a week- I don't know what to make of all these amazingly fun blessings that I had no idea would be waiting for me!  

• Jessup has decided to give me a grant for no other reason than kindness. Their generosity is a huge blessing.  

• Earlier in the summer, I was overcome by the unrealistic fear of being forgotten. I feared I hadn't made a difference and that my move would simply evaporate any memory anyone had of me during these past two and a half years in San Jose. Yet, since that time, I have been overwhelmed with love. Friends have told stories of our times together, encouraged my heart in the role I have played in our community, expressed their excitement for the changes ahead, and most of all, have prayed for me. I can't tell you how much this has meant to me. My heart is more than encouraged- I am deeply and fully blessed. 

stars

   My first memory of stars took place in Washington on one surprisingly non-rainy evening. Our family was standing in the driveway next to our partially remodeled home when my dad pointed out the Big Dipper to my sister and I. I was amazed that not only were stars so tiny and shiny, but they could be recognized in specific shapes or, in big people terms: constellations. That long ago evening began a love I still hold for the night sky and the little stars that fill its expanse.

 
   As I was walking home from church the other evening I was watching the stars and thinking about their consistency in my life. They are always there, they never change, and I know I can always find them... Gazing at the stars that night brought sparks of precious memories back to mind. 

 
   (I know my heart is already sentimental, but I feel like this blogging business is magnifying the emotion behind whatever I write. Am I really such a sap? I guess I am... maybe blogging helps me feel the safety to portray emotion where I usually only brush the surface in normal conversation... which I guess is alright, it's my blog right?)

 
   Anyway! Since I'm on the sentimental star memory avenue, I'll indulge myself by writing out some favorites...

 
   One night a bunch of years ago a group of us were sightseeing at various locations around Yemen. That night's destination was a sandy beach on the Indian Ocean. Us kids were sitting in the back of a large, tan Land Cruiser enjoying various games of "concentration," word memory songs, and stories from It's a Jungle Out There. The dirt road was bumpy and night had fallen dark around as we drove towards the, mainly deserted, beach ahead. The plan for our stay there was to enjoy swimming in the crystal blue water during the day, and spy on the giant sea turtles laying their eggs at night. As the cars rumbled towards the beach, we slid open the side windows of the vehicle and crawled out to sit on the window frames while clutching the roof-rack. Leaning backwards and tilting your head up towards the heavens gave the most breath taking view of the starry night. The sky was void of clouds and the stars seemed to literally fill the entire expanse. The Milky Way ran like a river through the canopy of twinkling lights. There were so many stars so close together, and so bright, that I had trouble finding any constellations I knew. Hanging out that car window I felt the joy of the experience fill me- the sky seemed so vast, so beautiful, so detailed, and I had the privilege of witnessing it.

   During my high school years in Kenya many nights were filled with star gazing. Friends bundled in sweatshirts and masi blankets would venture to the grassy field and lay close together to keep from shivering in the cold as we watched the stars. Laughter, singing (usually Disney songs or the latest song from the Sunday evening worship night), and random conversations emerged from such evenings. Whenever a shooting star was spotted a shout and pointed fingers rose towards the sky to mark the event. We'd lay there without a care in the world- homework would be done later, no one was in a hurry to go anywhere- a bell would summon us back to our dorms when it got late enough... no one cared for the future, or worried about life- we were at peace, happy to enjoy the moment, happy to enjoy our friends. These nights were blessed. These nights were also normal- I never would have thought that my evenings of sunsets and nights of stars would become lost in my past. They were such a healthy part of relaxing and enjoying God's creation. They were and are a continual reminder of God's magnitude, His consistency day after day, and His love of detail.

   One day I would love to travel somewhere miles away from civilization, away from man-made lights and the noise of cars and electronics, to gaze at a star-filled sky. How marvelous to feel so small in the vast canopy of stars, yet so loved and treasured at the same time. I feel like such a trip would be a glorious and majestic God-magnifying experience.