Making a Choice

I have to choose.
I have to choose what I am going to believe- the lies I'm living by, or the truth, hidden by an emotional cloud of hurt and bitterness against God.

Choosing to call out the lies and see them for what they are- a sorry excuse for the emotional state I've been seeing as reality. Choosing to call out the truth of who God is, that He loves me, hears the cries in my heart and frustration in my soul, and is working despite my perceptions.

My soul has been down for much too long and even more frustrating is that I can't completely understand why. I am left only knowing that I feel unhappy, exhausted, and that a nagging whisper continues to impress upon me that there must be more... and yet, why isn't God responding to this longing...

And so, I've let these feelings overwhelm every aspect of my life, my job, my relationships, my spiritual perspective, everything. There's a longing to be Free, to Love and Live- sing, dance, and be- yet these are suppressed by my own pride of emotional discontentment.

Throughout this processes I've gone through confusion- why do I feel this way, everything in my life "looks amazing." I have a great job, the very job I asked Jesus for (yes, it is extremely overwhelming and exhausting most of the time, but my heart still loves it.) I have a wonderful boyfriend with a heart of gold, I have family nearby, I moved back in the city I wanted to live in, I have a great church, community... it all seems like I should be "fine." But I'm not. So obviously, something must be up.

I was remembering what I told Jesus when I found out Bethany University was shutting down and I'd have to leave my beloved San Jose life and move elsewhere. I literally laughed out loud. The situation was ridiculous. And then I said to God, "Well God, what'cha gunna do? You must have a great plan, cause this seems crazy." He did have a great plan. I learned so much through the process of leaving San Jose and can see God's intentional hand throughout that whole part of my journey, leading me to where I am at this moment.

Attitude is amazing. When I was able to take such a hard situation like leaving my beloved friends and family of San Jose, and turn the pain and uncertainty into Hope of what God was about to do- the process was incredible. My heart was secure. I knew my God was Good. I had no doubt He would take care of me throughout the hard process.

Lately I've turned my hurts, aggravations, and present pains into the central focus of my life. My job is hard. I'm learning a lot. It's painful. It can be completely consuming and overwhelming if I'm not careful. And usually, I'm not careful. Everything feels like it matters and that I'm completely alone in trying to figure out how to solve my "problems." Yet, a beautiful realization dawned on me as I was reading Luke 8:14 about seeds getting "...choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature..." I realized I was taking on many of life's worries- struggling and trying and working SO hard, and getting nowhere but pain and frustration. I wrote for myself "Nothing matters besides the Love and Salvation that is mine in Jesus, and therefore, I can live Free because He is my Everything." Simple. Yet, I started laughing as it hit me that all these things that seem SO important (and yes, in their own way they are important, I'm not trying to say that I should be irresponsible or a poor steward of what God has entrusted me with) my worries are to have no hold on my heart and mind, only the Truth of God's Love and Power in my life.

Whether it feels like it or not, Jesus it at work. He has a plan and though life is hard and crazy in my head, the Truth is that, because of Hope I can smile, laugh, and dance despite the unknown, the fear, and the frustration. My Good Father has brought me through so much and only been amazingly faithful and kind. He will not change now. "I am God and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me." Isaiah 46: 8-9 and "Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give nations in exchange for you and peoples in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you." Isaiah 43: 4-5

I choose Hope, and to smile in the face of the unknown, because I have a Good God whom I can fully and completely lean and depend on. I choose to Joyfully Trust my Faithful Father.

 "Oceans" By Hillsong UNITED. Beautiful. Enjoy.

I too, can fail

   I'm failing. A lot. At most everything. Friendships, my job, my emotional wellbeing, my decision making integrity... yup, a whole lot of failure pretty much everywhere you look. 

Two major ideas have been surfacing lately:

1) I have a huge amount of pressure on myself to do things amazingly well, to be the most effective teacher, to make everyone happy with every decision I make, and to live a pretty-much-perfect life.

2) I'm failing. 

My failures:

   My classrooms aren't up to my idea of perfection. I feel like I'm letting my students down because I should be able to handle all the crap, the chaos, and the frustration. I feel I'm letting the Credential Program down because I "should be prepared" for everything "real classrooms" have to throw at me. And also, I feel like I'm letting myself down. Esther. Why can't you do this? Why is this so emotionally hard for you? Why can't you handle it?

   I've been identifying that a good majority of my decisions are made based on how I think other people with emotionally respond to them. "Will I offend them? Will they be mad at me? Will they think I'm a rude or selfish person? If I don't, I'll be letting them down..." I'm SO incredibly wrapped up in other people's opinions and feelings, that I've forgotten the importance of fighting for my own "emotional integrity." 

   Getting out of a relationship, is a sucky process. Not only is there the whole mending the hearth thing and learning to fall into community when you're weak and readjusting to life, but I'm also struggling with the challenge of actually staying in the same town as that person... and not moving away. The process of learning to shift a relationship while still being closely linked in community, church, and life is a rough process. I feel like a very slow learner right now. 

   I'm proud where my heart should be humble, gentle, and ready to listen. I so want to hold on to my imperfections, I'm too weak to not be perfect. I dwell on stupid things that swallow the life out of even the simplest of good. I allow the pressure of life (real or self-created) to squeeze my emotions into a ball until I explode. I fear in situations where a deep part of me wants to live graciously and strongly, and smile boldly at the crap. 

   In general lately, I've been a pretty lame friend, downright horrible at times. I've been dull, exasperated, and even blatantly rude to the people I deeply care about. In long and in short, I'm not myself. And I hate how it's hurting others, as well as my own heart. 

   And so, it seems, I'm failing. 

   I hate failing. I won't do things if I think I will fail. I won't play a sport that I'm not good at. I won't agree to activities if I feel like I'll look dumb. Even my grades throughout college reflected this fear of failure as I stressed and pushed hard to get the A's I always "needed." 

   And yet, I'm learning that it's pretty hard to keep an 'A' in life. It seems, I fail. I'm failing more than I'd like to admit. And currently, I'm forced to admit it, because it's blatantly staring me in the face each and every day. 

I fail people. I fail my students. I fail my friends, my family, and myself. 

I'm starting to learn that it's hard to be perfect. It's hard to never fail. 

I'm beginning to see that I might expect more of myself than is healthy, or realistic. And so, I'm determined to learn to let go. Even if the process goes more slowly than I'd like. 

I'm right in the middle of a bunch of crappy crapness, but I'm identifying the crap, the emotions, the reactions, the roots of the turmoil I feel I'm imploding from. 

   I'm ready to start learning to give myself a break from unrealistic expectation and pressure, to be honest with myself and stand up for my desires. To allow myself to learn more slowly than I'm comfortable with, to lean on friends, and to humble my heart in accepting that, I too, can fail. And hopefully through these failings, I can truly learn to Live. For to really, truly, and deeply Live, that is my greatest desire. 

Our Brilliant God

   I was driving home to Chico recently while chatting with a friend on the phone. We hadn't spoken in months and months, so it was a joy to catch up on all life has taught us since we last spoke. My heart was ecstatic to realize that everything I had to say was good. Don't get me wrong, there's definitely things in life that aren't necessarily going great, but... you'll see...

   God's so good. A friend recently described God as 'brilliant.' Brilliant. Wow. I love to refer to God as good, and yet, good is good, but brilliant takes Him to a whole new level. I was looking up the definition for brilliant: "exceptionally clever or talented" and some synonyms: "intelligent, skillful; superior, excellent; brainy, impressive, remarkable, or exceptional"(mac dictionary). (if you haven't figured out by now, I like words ;)). I loved this reference to God as brilliant because it made Him so much better, so much more in control, so much more skilled in planning than I previously attributed to Him. I love continually learning how much better God is than I originally try give him credit for.

   I also love learning that when I deliberately decide not to worry about aspects of my life. God always comes through for me. He's never not been faithful. How can I do any less than trust Him completely.

   This was partly why talking with my friend was so fun. Because we hadn't spoken in such a long time, I had to think back. I had to remember what has happened and all that God has done. I had to remember why Chico was so hard, and how much God has changed my heart for living here. It caused me to remember all the blessings, every one.... I see over and over how hard times, sad times, and hurtful times, how they have all turned into such good. I've learned so much, I've grown to see God's love more and more throughout the journey of my life. I wouldn't change this adventure for anything... even the times that don't make sense. The times that hurt. The times that are joyous. I'm learning to truly enjoy each moment- the easy times to trust, the times filled with fear, hurt, or wonder. God's so good. He's so brilliant. As I decide to embrace the moments realizing that God is so in control and so good, the fear and the worry get displaced, and a fresh perspective, that surely must only come from God, takes their place. This perspective is so new for me. I'm not used to living in such a way, and yet, it's so easy, so free, so alive. I get to embrace life because I'm not the one figuring it all out. I just get to walk onto the stage of right now and enjoy my part while trusting God has each scene, and all the props, and costs, and needs for the next scene and the next, all taken care of.

   I'm so convinced that He has a plan. That He loves me. That He holds me and is so much more faithful than I know. I love learning to experience Him more. Once as I was first learning to enjoy experiencing more of my Father, I felt Him say to me "it only get's better from here." It's so true. The times might be hard, or they might be good, but what I get to learn about my Good Father through them surpasses everything. The time has built greater trust, and deeper love. "The best is yet to come" and there's always more to learn. Yay God! What a good and brilliant God we have.

Purpose, People, Dreams, and Travel

  I headed to Bidwell Park this evening for a lovely, much needed, long walk. The music set I wanted to listen to wasn't working and I didn't feel in the mood to start my weekly sermon from Bethel Church quite yet, so I just walked in silence. My mind was uneasy, aimless, in a way. I walked and began chatting with God about it. The future has been on my mind lately, in that, I've felt concerned about my lack of direction for various goals in life. Some of my desires remain unwavering, yet others seem foggy where they used to be so clear.

Bidwell Park, Chico

  As I was mulling over this potential 'life crisis,' it occurred to me that this was silly. I have no need to know exactly what's next, what's down the road 10 years from now, 5 years from now, or even 2 years from now. All I really need to focus on right now, is right now. And I know that- my credential. I have the next 7 months figured out (more or less). I was challenged to stop thinking so much about the far out future, and think about this summer and the time I have right now. What will I do with it, what is my purpose? What do I want from life? and then... what does that actually look like..? It's ok that I don't fully know. It's actually fun that I don't. Life's way less intense than I usually try to make it...

  God and I chatted about my love of people and planning parties, of making good food to share with others, and making people feel welcomed and loved... We chatted about my longing to love, mend, and do life with the hurting hearts, especially women's hearts here in Chico. I'd love to go and help women overseas maybe someday, but today I was challenged by what that actually looks like right here, right now. "How do I find the people who need love, who need a friend?" My final conclusion was that ultimately, God would have to point them out and make it clear- who and where.

  The thinking time had been wonderful, but I was then ready for a change and plugged my ears into a sermon from last Sunday. It always amazes me how sermons can so blatantly speak to what I'm currently pondering in life, and this one hit so many nails on the head it was crazy. The man spoke about how God uses every season of our lives, waisting nothing. He used examples of Moses and Esther and how every aspect of their lives were used with strategic purpose. That we are where we are for "such a time as this" with the wisdom to act. There was so much more, but those were various points that stand out at the moment.

  As the sermon was winding down I walked past a woman who asked about the cars driving on the path. Her question clearly indicated that she was not from Chico, and I briefly explained how cars were allowed in this section of the park. I continued walking on, but as soon as I did, I knew I should have slowed down and talked with her longer. Maybe it was the fact that she was new to town, maybe it was her eagerness to chat, whatever it was, I still didn't turn around. By that time, evening was creeping in and I was getting hungry. I also wanted to finish the sermon, and besides, by now she was a far ways behind me. (Gotta love those rationalization skills). As I got into my car to leave, I noticed the woman had made her way out of the trail and was headed down to the grass by the river. Nope, I was not about to walk down there.

  I drove out of the park gate rationalizing that it didn't really matter anyway, and she would probably think it strange if I walked over to talk with her. Usually I love talking with people, but I was so not interested in looking silly by backtracking, and admitting to myself, that I should have stayed and talked with her in the first place. Well, needless to say, my pride lost, and I stopped the car. I walked over and greeted the lady, asked if she was new to town, and yes, she definitely was. We chatted about her move, her family around the area, her amazing trips around the world (at first mention of traveling, I was instantly captivated), ethnic foods (she has great taste ;)), as well as aspects of my own life and places I've lived and traveled to. Thanks to her stories, pictures, and helpful information, I'm completely set for a trip to the Philippines. This woman and I, this complete stranger, was able to connect with my heart about passions that I haven't spoken of in years. How fun that even though I felt like I was coming to encourage her, I found that she encouraged me, and was equally excited about our conversation.

Krabi, Thailand

  It makes me chuckle how all the topics and themes of the evening wove so beautifully together. Purpose, people, dreams, travel... This evening I made a new friend, a friend I can't wait to get to know better. It's funny that when I stop trying to plan my life out, things happen. When my heart's open and available, God inevitably uses those times in such fun ways. People appear and blessings just fall from the sky. I can't wait to see all that's in store for this summer filled with abounding 'free time.' :)

When I know how loved I am...

  I want a full life. I want to go, I want to dream, not just dream, but DREAM so that my heart is overwhelmed by the implications. I want to leave the timid behind. I want a wild, a passionate, a FULL life. I want to love deeply, to impact a nation, to restore hope to those who feel empty, bring joy for the hurting, unveil the beauty in those who don't believe they have any... to meet the needs. to love. to really, really love. To love in a way that people are changed because they see the value they have, they see how beautiful, how precious, how wanted, how desired they are, Jesus' immeasurable love for them.

  I want a life that's larger than life. I want to be so sure of my authority as one loved by God that it changes everything: the way I see myself, the way I see others, the way I treat my resources, my time, my desires. That everything in my heart would fall into order because it knows whom I belong to and how Good the one who loves me truly is.

  I feel like my life is going to be so much bigger than I can even imagine right now. I know there is so much ahead of me. My heart burns for it, yearns for it. I can't wait for what's ahead. Yet, in the now, I have so much right here, in this beautiful season, this beautiful Chico... I love learning more deeply who I am, what I love, who I am created to be, the space I was created to fill.

  I growing to see that I have a message. Thoughts and words, ideas, that bubble up in my heart to give away- even just a short conversation, a simple encouragement, a random thought that comes to mind for someone.. I have words, they are important, Jesus speaks in me, to me, I know Him, I love Him- Speak! let his love pour out on others who long to be loved.. I want to live with such disregard for the reactions of people and a single-minded gaze on the One who speaks Truth and Love, the one who loves me. In the words of dear Mother Teresa "The world today is hungry not only for bread but hungry for love; hungry to be wanted, to be loved. They're hungry to feel that presence of Christ." I want to know His love so deeply, to live in such awe of my creator, so overflowing with the knowledge his presence and goodness, that His love can't help put leak out everywhere I go. I want to be consumed with that love.

  I'm also learning that I love to pray.. to continually remember that I'm able to share my heart with the Lord and that He shares is heart with me. I love the beauty of what it means to be in the presence of the One who loves us, the boldness we have to pray, the wisdom He gives us to pray, the coming before him and letting it all out- everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and still being closer than ever to our God. I love the promptings in my heart to call out truth when discouragements, doubt, and burdens that I wasn't created to carry crowed my view. Bringing these things on my heart out of a silence that feels so "real" and replacing them with the power of the Truth of the Kingdom, it changes things, it changes me, my mood, my attitude, my joy. "We are atmosphere changers" my friend stated the other evening. We are. We have the power, the wisdom, the authority to join with the Father's heart and speak the atmosphere of the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else must go. Fear, doubt, worry, confusion, lust, anxiety, sickness,.. they have no place here.

  Mostly, I'm realizing that my heart longs to love. I was created to love, to love deeply. I've been given a tender heart which longs to hold the hurting, to show those who don't believe in themselves how amazing, beautiful, and lovely they truly are. I want to have the resources to give to those who need it, to equip them to become the strong men and women they were created to be. I want to love people. I want to know how loved I am that I can't help but love, truly love. I don't love near as well as I long to, but the one who IS Love lives in me, and He is the best teacher. And I truly believe that loving well is something that changes as I come into a greater understanding of the reality of my God.

  How can I be selfish and hurtful if I truly knew how generous and kind, how compassionate and loving God is? How could I be judgmental if I truly understood God's heart of mercy and grace? How could I be stingy and so completely self-centered when I grasped how self-less and Good God is? How can I live so rushed and worried about time when I recognize that He rules over time, He created it, it's belongs to Him. And so do I.

  At one point in the Bible (Luke 11:5-13), Jesus is talking to a group of people about how little they understand the Goodness of the Father. He says basically that even human beings, who know so little of what it means to love well, know how to give good gifts to their children and friends when they ask. Our heavenly Father, the epitome of Love itself, He gives and gives and gives, generously to ALL, we just have to ask. So I ask to know my God more, to know- to intimately know- to be so intertwined in Him, that it effects me completely.. cause THAT, I believe, will change everything.

  Oh life. What a beautiful life I've been given. Precious people, perfect timing, treasured gifts.. I truly am blessed. Looking back, seeing all that God's done- His extreme faithfulness and amazing blessings- they empower me to believe for even more. He's shown me how Good he is, and since I know He doesn't change, I'm so excited to see more. Who knows what glory lies ahead. it's always an adventure.

Royalty

I wrote this about a year ago... I didn't feel it was 'finished' enough to publish it... but as i'm looking back through older pasts i've written, i realize that I don't totally agree with everything I wrote then. My world, my ideas, the way i interpret and understand God and the world around me is always changing, growing, evolving. Growing more in Truth, I hope. So it's time this post got out there. I feel there's so much truth in here, I know I need to reread all of this, over and over. Royalty, Heavenly Royalty. I'm the King's beautiful daughter. You are the King's beautiful child, so glorious are you.. enjoy dear ones.
*****
I went for a run tonight, and halfway through, it occurred to me that I was seeing purple flowers everywhere. Purple has been a growing theme for me in the past month or two.. or while.. It's the color of royalty. This is significant to me because I believe that as a Christian, I am royalty. Throughout the New Testament we are told continually that we are "children of God" and "sons of God." I believe these words aren't just cute phrases, but give profound insight into who we truly are in Christ. 

Throughout the run I pondering what it truly means to be royalty. How does the King view us? How does a person of royalty view ones own self?

One thing God has been teaching me is how secure and safe we are in His love. Nothing that happens to me, or nothing that I decide to do, nothing is outside of His grace and the work He has done on the cross for me. Its crazy to me how much God desires to be with me. How much He wants to come near to me, to bless and love me through times in my life when I feel unlovely. It reminds me of a verse I heard recently from Song of Solomon where the beloved says "dark am I, yet lovely" (1:5). I see my failings, yet God sees me as I truly am. He sees me in light of the cross, the blood of His son making me only pure and holy. He sees me as lovely, not as sinful, but as beautiful, clean, worthy, and precious. 

I've been reading through the book of Isaiah for some time now and it continues to amaze me how much God deeply and unashamedly loves His people. He claims the Israelites no matter what, even in times when it would make total sense for them to be destroyed for their wickedness. God pours out mercy and compassionate love. "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would be like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea" (Isaiah 48:17-18). His heart is for us to believe and understand who we are. He teaches us how to live in our royalty, how sons and daughters of the King respond to His overflowing love. His heart for us is to live with the deepest peace as we trust His goodness, for faith and trust in His goodness to be constant in our hearts. The King shows His beloved His faithfulness. "They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts, he made water flow from the rock" (Isaiah 48: 21). He loves us so much He'll defy the norms of how the world "should" work for us. That's how much He loves us. There's nothing He would not do. 

This next part blows my mind. In Isaiah 49, Isaiah tells Israel that even though they are distant and intentionally rebellious against the Lord, He still has a plan for them. He has made them for a beautiful destiny. He knows them intimately, each of them, they are precious to Him and through them He says: "I will display my splendor" (Isaiah 49:3). What?! They never get it right. They always rebel. They even choose to turn away from God, yet God sees who they truly are. He desires "to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel back to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength" (Isaiah 49:5). It doesn't make sense. Why would God love us this much? What does He get out of it? Joy. Somehow He gets the greatest joy out of relationship with His sons and daughters. He wants us to join with His heart, He units us with Himself and allows us to live out the Kingdom of Heaven right where we are. He even promises that "Kings will see you and stand up, princes will see and bow down, because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you" (Isaiah 49:7). So much glory! We are chosen, dearly beloved, honored, royal, and respected children of the most high King.

Therefore, if this is the truth about who we are, if this is how God truly sees and values us, its time we started living in this reality. Its time we take to heart our inheritance, and believe who we really are. I've heard people compare this revelation with the movie The Lion King, where Simba is royalty, but he has chosen to "forget" who he truly is. His father comes to remind Simba the truth of his identity. He was created for a purpose and great destiny, "remember who you are." I think it's a great parallel to who we are in Christ. We have authority and power as co-heirs of Christ (Romans 8:17), Christ died and our old self died with Him on the cross so that we can be done dying. Our old self is dead, we now get to delight in what it means to "share in his glory" (Romans 8:17). We get to reflect the Kingdom of God through our lives. Jesus said in John 14 that "all who have faith in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these... and I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." (verses 12-14). Dang. That's big. Do I really believe that? Do I really live believing that my love for the Lord and my identity as His Daughter allows me to have the power of the Lord in my life that will reveal itself in amazing ways? Jesus did some crazy things while He was on earth, but this verse seems to indicate that I get the chance to be a part of even wilder experiences! crazy. This is what we're a part of. 

God has also been showing me that a Daughter of the King is given what she needs. I get to walk through life with full confidence that I am well taken care of. What I need will be provided- it would be unthinkable for a King to give His child to be anything less than the best. I will be protected with people who will comfort me, care for my heart, walk alongside my destiny. I have been created for greatness. As the Daughter of the King I also get a place of authority. I get to speak with the King in a way that is intimate and precious. I get a voice, a chance to be close to my Father, to talk with Him, question Him, hear His heart. I can learn from Him because I am allowed the closeness to see Him move and work and think in ways that others cannot see. I get to understand His heart deeply. I get a relationship. I grow to become like Him. Even if I dislike what He says, if I doubt my true identity, if I do something completely unbecoming for royalty, I cannot be disowned. The truth is that I am royalty, I cannot be made unroyal. I can doubt who I am, but the truth is that I have been bought with a price. This truth should make me ever more eager and excited to grow in the knowledge of who I truly am. I have been given wisdom, love, and the glories of the Kingdom of Heaven, to enjoy and fellowship with the Father in. I get to rest in His banner of never-ending, deep love that He has lavished over me. Rest in His protection. Rest in the joy of the work of the cross. Rest in faith that He is good, He is greater, He is everything I'll ever need, and always faithful. 

There is so much more I will learn about what it means to be Royalty. I have so much to learn about God's heart, so much to learn about His for me. Its a glorious journey. I'm so thankful to be so loved and so deeply blessed. It rocks my world that this is what we're given- Freely! God loves us so much that He just wants to give and give and love and love and all He wants in return is for us to enjoy Him and love Him back. Its such a beautiful gift. The more I grasp it, the more my heart fills with joy and thankfulness. Such grace. Such love.  

"Will you let me hold you?"

  I find myself in a weird stage right now. Over the years I've cultivated and nurtured so many dreams, big dreams, beautiful dreams, and they've fueled me and given me passion for my life.

  Yet, over these past few weeks, maybe months, I've been realizing that I'm not sure I believe in my dreams any more, or even want them. This apathy for the passions I once had concerns me, because, for one, it has effected my mood and ability to cope with life, and two, I'm believing downright lies.

  Some examples? I've been apathetic about school- I don't care. And I do care, I always cared before- grades have always been a huge deal for me, and I usually love school.. yet recently, it takes every ounce of effort to do my homework and even go to class. I cry way too easily. I feel lonely and discouraged with life almost every time I find myself alone... to say the least, it's a discouraging time..

  However, I think I've figured out why I struggle desiring success for this semester. I think I'm afraid that I won't find fulfillment in or be passionate about my ever approaching "teaching dream." I'm afraid all this work and money and time and stress and overwhelming days will be for absolutely no good reason, and I'm sick and tired of trying.

  I've never wanted to give up so badly.

  Yet, as I sit and think about giving up, a tiny (sane) part of my heart reminds me that I know I will enjoy teaching (my past experiences have already shown me glimpses of this..), I will love my students, I will find fulfillment in and be passion about my job... I will.

  but i'm afraid.

  As I poured out my pain to a wise woman in my life, she encouraged me to stand. Just to stand. That sometimes as the waters of chaos rise and the winds of lies roar, you need to stand firm on the promises of Jesus and just praise Him. It's true. It's amazing how worshiping the Lord can change my aching, downcast heart to one of joy and trust.

  A few days ago I was sitting at the park, crying out to Jesus. I expressed how tired I was of never knowing when I'd suddenly feel emotionally ridiculous and completely overwhelmed. I was trying to feel "normal" and have the right perspective of life, but it's not always that simple sometimes... In response to my outpoured heart, I felt like Jesus said to me "You're trying too hard. You always want to make everything perfect and do everything, and you can't, you can't do everything, you need to let go. Let me be the strong one. Let me show my strength in your feelings of weakness. You need to let go and let me hold you, hold the stuff, hold the time... will you let me hold you?" That last part has continued to repeat in my heart "Will you let me hold you?"

  Being still in the arms of one who truly loves, who truly cares. Trusting in His wisdom and love for me, for my life. Finding rest in His goodness, which creates space for praise and worship, which leads to joy. Joy because He is love, and has a good plan. Believing that there is power on my side that is greater than my fears, or doubts, or confusion, or anger, or frustration, or any and all of it.

  Praise the Lord that He is greater.

  I don't fully "feel" amazing about my life all the time, but I'm standing. I'm not giving up, and I'm trying not letting the things around me overwhelm me. I find I must continually choose to trust the goodness, faithfulness, and love that surpasses my understanding to help me through these strange waters I find myself amidst.